When i was sad

This is what i have put on my friendster for quite some time. I really like it.

Neither black nor white. Living in shades of grey. Certain days are brighter than others. Those days remind me to give thanks for small blessings. A walk in the park, quiet bus ride, indulging in my own thoughts, recieving a call from frds, looking at the stars, a silent prayer. Small things like this make life more bearable. Certain actions or words touches me more then others. Not difficult to let me love you. Just hold me close and never let me go. Always fall head over heels in love. Everyone wants to be loved. Me too.. I'm always a contradiction. Not that i don't know what i want. My requirements are too specific and no one can meet up to it. Always wanting to do my best and tiring myself in the process. But the outcome are always rewarding and never fails to justify why i work so hard for. Wanting to be a woman that He intended me to be. Still trying hard. Enjoy watching movies. But reality and movies differ too much. They make me sad. Reality are cruel and practical. Prefer to live by not knowing. But i know too much and the truth hurts. It hurts because i know it will stay this way. You lead me not to believe in Romeo and Heroes anymore. Faith. faith is sure of what you hope for and certain of what you cannot see. What if we persist and tried, i guess we'll never know.We have lost the faith. Money and power fade away. Live a rich life, dun die a rich man. Working too hard strip the joy in your life. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. What is most important in your life? Time and tide waits for no man. Don't seek happiness because happiness arise from circumstance. Look for inner contentment and joy will overflow. With peace, love and joy in your heart, all things are possible. Earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot heal. Heaven is a place nearby so He won't be so far away. Seek and you shall find. My journey; ups and downs, joy and sorrow, conflict and peace. Birth and death. An epitome of life.

Friends or Foe

This is going to be one of my entries for my journal writing. Just let everyone have a peek of it. This is my 3rd. Hehe... Finally break that egg.

Well... While writing this, i have thought about many people i have met throughout my 21 years. Some are mere passing strangers and yet others have impacted me to be me.

People come and go into our life. Some will stay for a while and left footprints in your heart and you are never the same again. Others will go just as quickly as they come and leave you with a mere faded memory. There are also others whom you thought have come to complete your world only to find that they have left, reaping a piece of you with them and making you less complete than before. And there are those whom you thought have left, but only to know that they are back again. I believe everyone has encountered them in some point through their journey of life. For me, I have met all of them. Some are like angels sent from heavens to help me walk through the thorny path. Others are the ones that have help to create the thorny path for me to tread on. There are yet others waiting for me to be the one that guide them out of their difficult times. I believe that the good and the bad experiences I have with people have mould me into who I am today. They taught me invaluable lessons that can come only through heartaches and pain. The price for the lesson is my own tears. However, they make me a more mature person. I have learnt not to have expectations on people because all Man are fallible. The higher expectations I have of others, the harder I will fall when they failed to deliver the expectations. On the contrary, I also learnt how not to be cynical even in the midst of this complexity world. It is easy to put for us to put on a self protecting armour after being attack and wounded deeply several times. We put on a defensive wall and not allow anyone entering our lives and not trusting anyone because we no longer believe that there are any good left in the world. Nevertheless, it takes inner strength in a person to overcome the cynicism and strip off any doubts and embrace new faces in their life. They never know that they might just be embracing an angel in their world that might make them never the same again.




I'm never the same again because i have met you.

Never contented

The prison of discontentment has the most inmates. Its overpopulated and demand most attention from the prison warden. I'm one of them. What i have, i did not give thanks. What i don't have, i grumble and shout that 'life's unfair'. Life is indeed unfair. One has to accept it and be at peace with it else one can never be at peace with herself.

Changes is hard but it is not impossible. I want to try. I want to change. I want to be contented with what i have and what i don't have. There's this saying that goes: Help me accept the things i cannot change and help me have courage to change those that i can and help me have the wisdom to know the difference.

Well... Just finished the last book. Have to pay the library a visit again. Hopefully by tomorrow. Its hard to find time since projects are starting to pile up and i have make a new committment to start exercise. Went swimming just now. Covered 22 laps. Finally working those muscles. I hope its not a 3 minute kind of interest.

I went to Changi Airport just now in the afternoon doing a field inspection for my assessment. I'm not being biased or what but Singapore Airport is really something. It builds its facility around our needs and not the other way round like many others. However, i think dubai airport is another one to look out for.

Hmmm... enough about airport for today. I have writen a 4 page report on it and i'm not done yet. But the requirement is only 3 pages. Hope it'll do. I'm going to bed now since there's nothing else left to read. Ciao

Baptism Sunday

I declared to the world today that i belong to Jesus! I was baptised in church this morning. Its a physical act with many spirtual implication. Though i still feel the same, but i know i am very much different. In so many ways, i am a new creation, the old self has gone and the new has come. This has meant so much to me.

And so it is, back to school. Work are piling up and making me breathless and panting. Its all in my making. For 3 weeks, I have been busy entertaining dinner, movies and my own personal 'down' time. And the consequence? I gotta slogged off an entire week in school. I know its gonna be a Busy week for me. But i want to challenge myself to go swimming and jogging for this week. I gotta work off those extra kilos around my waist. The weighing scale is definately hitting the red zone. Damn, the festives periods are just round the corner. I'm so dead!

Back to the creative journal writing... Its still at number O. I should have expected that considering that i'm a procastinating queen. But i make sure that i'm gonna have at least 3 by the end of this week. The lesson is getting more and more interesting. With the tutor intriducing us to many good reads. One of which is 'Life of Pi'. Very humoursly written. I like..

I was doing my project research but i coouldn't take my mind off blogging so i came here to rant! I guess i better go now.


Its gonna be alright, cuz i know that my God save the day and i know His words never fail and i know my God has a way for me. Salvation is here. - Hillsong; Salvation

Just have a phone conversation with Zhaoquan. Realised that things have change so much between. First, there was the love at first sight, then slowly it develop into a deep heated love that blurs all reality then the quarrels and breakup. Resentment and anger sets in accompanied by jealousy and hatred. But now its all different. There is an unusual peace. Its a deep rooted care that comes from within and love isn't in the way to obstruct that. Enough said.

Its was Mambo Nite at Zouk last nite. It was the first time i went after their reopening. Was fun, fun and fun. Went with crystal, yilin, amber, nate and Kenneth. I was telling amber that i was born in the wrong era. I love retro, oldies and all the saturaday nite fever thingy. Grease is my all time fav too. Those were the days of the trend setters. Ladies and gents partying the nite away in diso, cruising the highway, black leather jacket, bell-bottom. poka dots prints. School and work is their last priority. HAha... Its party time everyday.

I'm meeting wendy later in the evening for Harry Potter! So looking forward to that! Will update once i have watch the show. Hehe...Amber watched it twice! Anyway, i have nothing to do now while waiting for wendy so decided to blog. Bored...

Emperor New Skin

Surprise Amber? I manage to don on a new costume without anyone's help. I did it by myself. What we've learn in year 1 dreamweaver classes did help alot though. Haha.. But actually its dummy-prove. Hehe

Had a discussion with my friends and they seems to think that i am a weirdo because i don't intend to look for a boyfriend. One even try to match make me with her friend who is suppose to be a Superstar 'weichong' lookalike. Gosh! Being single is a choice that i have make. Its not involuntary. I'm still waiting for God's best. They make me seems like an alien in this world or some sort of lesbian. Then they went on to saying all the things they look for in a guy. My God! Its all about dollars and cents. How materialistic people can be. Don't get me wrong. I don't dislike them. In fact they are rather good friends of mine. I just think that their belief systems is rather distorted beyond my belief.

Thank God for bringing me through today. I thought i can never make it thru today. I hate tuesday!!! At least for this semester. Its a wet and cold tuesday, ideal for pigging out at home.

Just completed 5 people you meet in heaven by Mitch Albom. Nice read. But surprisingly, it didn't probe me into thinking deeper. I thought it will leave me much to think about. But it didn't. Now starting on a new book "catch me if you can".

I don't think i wanna continue writing becasue i gotta meet the girls for breakfast tomorrow before lesson and they wanna go Zouk. Gotta catch up with my sleep.

Lazy sunday

I have kept to my promise of updating my blog for the sake of training myself to write more and maybe by doing that, i'll finally get around to write my journals. By right now, the number of journals that i have wrote accumulated to ZERO. Big fat O. Seriously, its a real chore for me. Because i don't really like people reading my stuff. I know, i know... it contradict with the idea of blogging right. *Lost for words*

Anyway, had a long day yesterday. Woke up so early to go queenstown. Went Ikea to get a shoe rack and shop around. Was intending to have the famous swedish meatball for lunch but the sight of the queue is enough to kill my appetize. Was with Shelley and she brought me to this really nice place at i don't know where. Its call "Villa Bali".

It is, as the name suggest, reflecting the decor of Bali culture. Soft instumental music playing in the background and the sound of flowing water at the nearby lagoon. It has many private gazebo that cater to the guest's need for privacy. The furniture are make of rattan lookalike wood but were discoloured due to the constant exposure of the elements of nature. The whole area were planted with many bushes and trees that show off the rustic feel of Bali. On top of that, there were insects and crawlers that truely make you feel like you are in a tropical forest. At the entrance, there is a long bridge connect Villa Bali to the main road. The place claim to be an ideal spot to chill out at night but i think if you wanna truely admire the beauty of the place, its best visit in early evening.

Enough with the commentary. Its hard work. Wonder which publication wanna use me. Haha...
Oh by the way, visit club momo at night. Gosh, its really not up to the expectation. Their marketing effort is good it still lacks something. The crowds are not helping either. The only pretty thing you see are those dancers or the host. Other than that, its not worth it. But then again, the band is alright. But i can see that younger people will like it.

Hmm... TV showing Harry Porter. Wonder if half of Singapore have caught the lastest HP during this weekend. I heard that its all full house all over town. I'm gonna catch it this coming thursday. Can hardly wait. Gonna watch it with wendy. Full of anticipation already. Missed watching I am Sam last nite. I'm surprise that somebody still remember that i love that show and he msg me reminding me to watch it. With a box of tissue of course! It spur me into thinking that there are still people out there that might be looking out for me still. Thank God for them!

Gotta go, wish i can go on forever. Have to prepare for tmr's lesson. Angee staying over tonight. We're not going to slp i guess... Panda eyes! Hehe

Got a question to all bloggers. Who are your audience when you are blogging? Do you have a specific person in mind?

Writer's block

The second semester of my second year has just started. I'm into the second week of it. I was taking an interesting module called creative writing. In the first tutorial, we were to describe a person we knew and without thinking much, i describe my best friend, Wendy. It was so fun to describe what i think she is like and on top of that, i can add things onto her character to make her more dramatic. Its like painting a white canvas sheet with colours. I wonder how others will do up my painting. The first assignment was to hand up 15 journals within a month. Gosh, I even have trouble updating my blog how am i suppose to hand up 15 journals? Whenever i take out my writing materials, i seem to be suffering from the most dreaded writer's block. But when i blog, words just flow out. Maybe i should just blog out those 15 journals and print it out from here.

This new semester meant also to me. It shows me God's promise to me. His words never fail. Even though its the same journey, same campus and even the same classmates, the feelings were altogether different. Marvelous. But same classmates also posed a tricky situations. We gotta regroup out project group. I'm feeling really nice working with my ex members but were forced to split due to some inconsiderate people who just want to get their way by compromising others. But this has spur me onto doing my best and showing them that i can do well even with people that they discarded into my group. They were tough people to work with but i can do all things through Christ who give me strength.

Know some really nice people like yilin and crystal, yuan yuan and also belinda. Fun people to be with. But i also come across some back-stabbers. They didn't stab me of course but my dear friend. Just a word of comfort is that without the villians, there will be no good guys right? No point pondering over their actions. Let them crash and burn.

Recently, i got into a situation with some friends too. Actually 2 guys. One of them get me so pissed off that i don't think i'll ever want to meet him again. I mean, what's wrong with clashed schedule? He's busy and I am busy. And i get faulted for being busy or not answering my msg? Come on la, I am not oblidge to return their call. This is the problem with cell phone. Cell phone does mean that you can have direct assess to that's person but that doesn't mean that that person allows you to do it. I believe that you can't blame someone who just missed your call whether intensionally or accidentally right. You have your rights to call and they have their rights not to pick up. Damn it!

The other guy just abuse his rights that he has my number and keep calling me day and nights. I feel so bad for turning him down all the time but then again i tell myself that i have the rights to do it. You see, people like that just love to make you walk the guilt trip by accussing you of turning down their offer to meet up. They don't get the hint that you are really not interested or maybe they do. They just want to make you feel guilty that you are turning them down all the time and out tof the guilt, you'll say "yes".

Haiz... ever hear the song 'crazy' by 'Simple Plan'? I love that! It says that the world is going crazy and if you really open up your eyes to see, you will know that something is wrong, what's going on? It so apply to the world now. Bird flu, hurrican katrina and hurrican wilma, earthquake, tsunami, bali bombing (II), jordan bombing, people chopping others into pieces and throwing them in public area. I mean the list can go on and on. All these happens within the span of 1 year. The world and its people are going crazy. All these are the end time event that the bible are speaking off. I hope i am ready for it.

I HOPE YOU ARE READY FOR IT.

I once read a book called "She said yes". Before you rolled your eyes, its not about some romance book. Its bout a girl saying 'yes' at the face of death during the Colombine High School shoot out. By saying to 'yes' that she believe in God and Jesus, she was shot to death. Some people might say that she is stupid. But i think that she is dying for what she believe in. And whatever that she is believing got to be real enough for her to die for it. Following that chapter is a phase that say: "All of us should live life so as to be able to face eternity at any time." I was inspired by it and so sharing with you here.

Anyway, gotta go. Leave your comments. Would love to read them.




Reference: She said yes; the unlikely martyrdom by Misty Bernall

Rainbow always comes after the storm

If I was never trialed, I will never know what will be my threshold. Aparently I think God made me in such a way that He thinks I am strong enough to go through storms. He trust that He will never give me more than what I cannot bear. Rainbow always comes after the storm. Especially after a big storm, the peace that follows will not be understableable by mere human mind. It surpasses all understandings. I guess I am seeing the rainbow now. The colourful hues of the rainbow paints my heart with joy. Come and share with me this peace. Because I'll never know when the next storm might comes. But one thing for sure, I know I'll get through all those storms as well. Becasue the rainbows await me after that. Praise God.

Been working at the travel company for 2 weeks now. Everyday been facing the pc till my eyes blur and my brain cell is gonna be grilled by the radiation of the pc. Hahaz... Just kidding. Anyway, thankful for that job. Though there are no cute guys in the company! Haha! Well the money is enough to lure me outta bed each morning. Its not much actually. Its at least keeping me alive. Its at clifford centre. Can drop if you wanna go lunch together. Hehe..

Just gotten my results last friday. Didn't do badly. Better than what i expect. But maybe because i have lower expectation this semester. Its a rather tough semester. Hopefully next sem will be much better. "fingers cross"... Had an 0.06 increase in my GPA. Kinda little right? But i work my buttz off that. Haha. Well.. I guess my results does call for a celebration. Anyone wanna celebrate for me?? hintz.!

I guess it is always just me. Everyone doesn't seems to have issues. Or rather not as much issues as i have. I'm a problematic child. =p Actually what do people do on weekends? I seems to just rest at home or go to church. I guess the streets are packed with people and i seriously dislike crowds. Maybe I'm just closing myself up. I don't know. It is either that or I seriously i have a social problem. I wont' want to think about that. Both sucks!

Hmmm... This saturday I'll be out in the street selling flags. I'm representing TOUCH community services. If anyone is approached by one of us, be sure to donate ok. All for a good cause. Blessed are those who bless others. Hehe... I got no money so i donate my service to them lor. Don't just walk away k.




Psalm 100:5 For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations"

His favour upon me

In the middle of the study week now. How could i possibly feel so calm? Peaceful and quiet in my mind. They used to make the loudest noise. Seeking my full attention almost unwillingly. But they are hush. They are contained. Because of His favour. Thank you Lord.

Hmmm... feeling rather happy right now. I have finally gotten a job that i all along wanted. A million thanks to Wendy and her cousin. Can't wait for me to start work already. Starting on 12th sept. Though the pay isn't great and I'm still so grateful. I hope there is where i belong. Even though it is just a vacation job, it will help me determine if i wanna go into that line or not. Thanks Wendy for making it possible for me. My mom told me that you are too vexed by me asking u so often. But i know better. I know we are best friends and that don't even count as anything!

I don't know why i kept thinking of Wendy recently. Always wanting to meet but time don't permits. But i hope that the coming holiday, we'll have plenty of catching up to do. I love ya girl! =) Let's paint the town red!

Everything is falling into place for me. Even my results. I thought i will do badly this sem but it seems to be pretty alright. Hope the exam will turn out good as well. The mind seems to quieten down alot too. Or maybe i have learn how not to give in to its request. That's a lesson hard to unlearn. Well.... 4 months of semester is finally coming to an end next friday. The last paper will mark to closure of the first part of my junior year. I am counting down the days to graduation already! ahaha... A bit impatient right.

I just finish the book "waiting for God's best". And i intend to really wait for his best. I don't want to jump at any opportunity that comes along that might seems to be attractive. The worst enemy of best is good. And i won't even settle of second best. Only the best. And i will trust Him to give me the best in His timing.

I'm quite excited because we are having a chalet at Sentosa. The good old girlfriends from secondary school. Hehe... Its been a long time since the girls can relax becasue they are all working hard. As for me, i'll take this opportunity to build back our friendship. 3 days at the beach. Woohoo.. can't hardly wait. Just hope that the chalet is far away from TAS (my campus). Hahaz... won't wan to be reminded of my school while enjoying. It just spoils everything.

Darn, gotta get back to my books already. Updates soon!

Bewitched

I just caught the movie "bewitched" last night with Clamen. Enjoyed the show so much. It would be perfect if i could just wriggle my nose and i'll get whatever my heart desire. Imagine waking up in the morning and realise that it is time for school. I'll just wave my wand and i'll have a couple of hours more to sleep. The train is so crowded but i'll just wriggle my nose and everyone disappear. Haha.. sorry peps.. just having a fanatasy of being a witch. A good witch. I would even need a car. A broom stick will be fine. The branded broomstick from Harry Porter. "Nimbus2000" right? Anyway, had a great time with Clamen over dinner, movie, coffee and night chat. It's always good to meet up with old friends.

Talking about friends, i think my secondary school friends are all too busy. Jinwen can just buried her head in pile of work. Xueli, i don't know what she is up to actually. Boyfriend i guess. Meiyun and Jorine also busy with work and many other stuff. Yiling starting school soon. Haiz... Friendship gotta make effort if not it can't last. Well..

I get came back from church. Had a wonderful time. Had cell group with Shelly and zhuan. Really nice. I simply love God so much now. He has done wonderful things in my life. I have decided to walk with him all the days of my life. Talking about church, my senior pastor is having a world class magic show this 27 or 28 of august. I don't know who is reading my blog. But whoever is, even strangers, i hope you all are interested in coming to this event. It will blow your mind away. Contact me if u are interested. Leave me a comment and i will get back to you for sure.

Phew... 2 reports handed up and marketing presentation is over. However, more things to finish next week. 1 online quiz, 2 interview, 1 presentation and an excution theme project for cooking. Wow.. i really need the strength. But i know i will have it. I know He will provide. 2 weeks more and it will be study break. 1 month more it will be the long awaited holidays. Got to work to support myself. I hope i can find a good paying job.. Haiz... $ is a double-edged sword.

I just simply love Corrinne May. Did i mention that i write her an email and she replied me? Avirl went to her concert and she said that it was great. I hope she will have one more concert in Singapore. I will definately go. I think Shelley would love to be there too. Corrinne May is a Christian singer. Most of her song is about how God is in her life. I think they are inspiration and motivating. I hope i can be a singer too. Haha.. Hope lahh. And i hope for a lot of things...




let my cup overflows. i saw the work of the holy spirit tonight. He work through me. I know i won't be able to say what i say. It was Him. Thank you for the gift.

A new creation

A heart transplant could mean that a person has gotten a new lease of life by the mercy of another. The new heart enable the person a second chance in life. A second chance to be happy and cheerful once again. - analogy

God is that person who is so gracious and mercy to me by giving me a new heart. =) A long awaited wait but worthwhile. He dried my tears with his bare hand when i am crying. He polished the diamond that was no longer glitering. I just want to say thank you Lord.

I hope i will learn from this. Not to squander away this chance like how i always used to. I used to be complacent. Thinking that it was over. But it came back again and again to haunt me. I hope i will learn my lesson. This shall be the last time. I will do the outwardly work and Thou shall do the inside job.

I just gotten a call from Germany from Tina telling me about her work and also the places she went to visit. Such an unforgetable memory. Visiting palaces and museums. I look forward to my chances in future.

I guess i haven't mention before. My dream job is to stomp around the globe, visiting cultural attractions to natural geographical landform, staying in posh hotels to B&B, dining on street food to fine cuisine. Thereafter, i will write reviews after reviews on magazine and travel journals of my experiences. I'll be like the travel guru. Whatever i say is a must-try, people flock to try it. Countries sought after me to boost their tourism industry. Or i will be working for discovery travel and living (or of similar interest), i'll be a host and travel around the world for rare finds. Hehe... I travel and get paid! Shit, did i mention it is a dream job? Sounds more like a fantasy huh? At least i have something to look forward to.

Imagine living in Singapore, i'm so deprived of natural wonders, exotic people and culture. I don't want to live in the box. I feel like i'm in the centre of the box. So feckin' centre. Haha... Imagine going to melbourne and visit the 12 apostles, diving in the great barrier reefs saying hello to the corals, camping with the wild beasts in yellowstone national park, smiling in front of mona lisa in Louve museum, riding the waves on Bondi beach, ect... oops i think i am biased. Did i mention Aussie 3 times? I simply love australia. Did i mention that the Australia Tourism Board's advertisement is my favourite advertisement in the whole world?

Finally, i am writing something happy. something to look forward to. Haha... maybe when i think of traveling, i feel free. *shrug*

I went marina bay last nitez to support pastor Khong in his magic show. Saw weiwen and siqi. I wonder how they get up the seats without risking getting their feet soiled. Mine was so damned soiled. Blame the weather. But at least it wasn't raining. Didn't manage to watch the rest of the concert. Went off after the first performance. We went TCC at boat quay after that. Had sucha good time chatting with the girls. Hopefully there is much more to come. Had so much coffees and cake. I wonder of there is alcohol in the dirnks. Everyone was behaving like they were drunk. Or maybe we were just enjoying ourselves too much.

Gotta go, DAd cooked dinner. Zhaoquan coming over to my place for dinner and watch the fireworks together.

Freedom in Christ

I'm going round in circle. going round and round. Like the horse carrousel in magical theme park. Going round and round. But mine wasn't so beautiful, mine wasn't so attractive. Mine was was going round and round. For five years, it has been going round and round. I thought it was going somewhere, i thought it was far from where i have been. But it's still going round and round.

I put on my worn-out mask. Everyday, it was on me. Such brave front. I had that mask. For five years it was with me. My worn out mask. I feel hideous without my mask. I can't face no one. I thought i was pretty and i thought i was real. But nobody know the real me so i had on my mask. I have decieved everyone. I have me decieved. I don't need a mask anymore. I am the mask.

All that is going to change now. I hope it will. Gone are the merry-go-round and the mask. The past will be dog-earred in my page and they will leave a stain. But i will continue reading the book until have reach the last page. And the ending of the story will be : "And she live happily ever after. "

Happily ever after?

This best lesson you can learn in life could be that there is no such thing as forever. Only God can provide eternal and forever. Human just fail to do so. I used to want friends that are forever, want boyfriend that last till the end of horizon. But i came to realise that it's not possible. The higher the expectation, the harder you will fall. Be prepared for that day when people you love will leave you. There is no such thing as forever. Maybe i have grown and see the cynical side of life. But that's the way it is. Never hold things to dear to you. You are heading towards doom. The best thing that can ever happen is the moment and memories you once shared with them. At that point of time, remind yourself that it might be the last time you have with them. Never take joy for granted. it doesn't come easily anymore.
I've learn to be happier this way. Taking things as it is and never put much hope in others. Hope in the Lord and i shall be rewarded. With His ever-lasting peace and joy. Let's hope all things work for the good of all man who love Him.
Hmmm... I miss my friends suddenly. Wendy, jinwen and xueli. Hurhur... But i'm kinda glad that for next two weeks i'm having holiday. Thur having accounting test. And i'll be free! well at least for 2 weeks. Just got to know some China girls. Esp Zhou hua. Nice girl to chat with. Anyway, shout out to Wendy! I miss you babe! I do read your blog when i go online k. Happy?? Hehe

When all else fades away

And so it is, life still goes on. Even when her hero has left her heart. Life still has to go on. Nobody says life is easy. Forgiveness comes easy but forgetting takes a lifetime. The touch that comes from him doesn't comes easy. The million thoughts that accompanied with it seems to explode in her mind. "What a wonderful warmth that radiate throughout" The musky signature smell that is solely from him. Perfume mixed with the bitter-after-taste of his cigarette. Such a heavenly bitter-sweet memory. She cannot forget. She will not forget. The sound of him when he is getting near. The familiarity of it all. She'll never hear it again. The humour that he has, bring curve to her lips. Smile, no more. She says goodbye to it all. Goodbye to everything that she knew.

She hasn't lost him. She can't lose him if she hasn't has him in the first place. He was never her's. Parting is such sweet sorrow. Sorrowfully sweet. Her hero is gone. The promise to be a better man seems fulfilled. The ring that hung on to her finger no longer stood there. Replaced by the white band that took it's place that wasn't baked by the cruel sun. In times, it will goes away too... Maybe memories will fade away too... Nothing last forever, except GOd's love.

Goodbye to u... Parting is such sweet sorrow. Anticipation of the next meeting and the despair of the time in between.

Never put all your milk into one fridge

Man are weapon of mass destruction. I can never fully comprehend what Man is capable of doing. And i can also say that i won't even know what i can capable of until i am being forced to make a decision. Usually the things that hurt us most are words and actions done by Man. And they are usually the closest friends you have. Quoting from YZ, he said it's like opening a back door for people to put knives into us. Because we are not guarded with close friends, we are stabbed by them, something even without us knowing it. That's a very scary thoughts. But.... Never put all your eggs into one basket. I have learned that lesson in a very painful and hard way. Don't walk my footstep.

I was reading this book the other day and they are saying that happiness is a choice we make. The moment we wake up we can choose how we want to spend our day. I believe that by constantly choosing to be happy, it become something that is drilled into us and slowly it become a habit. At first, like every other thing in life, is always a struggle. It's always easy and require a certain strength. People who live life without much thoughts haven't live at all. They have not seen dark places and therefore they cannot appreciate the lights. But fear not! Your turn might be next. Hahazz...

The first week of school has just ended. Not much lesson except some briefing and modules explanation. But it's gonna be a tough sem for me. I've got 8 modules and all of it don't seems easy to cope. But it's His strength that will guide me through. The journey to and fro school isn't easy. Everyday is like fighting in a battle for MRT seats. We are like playing 'quickest feet first'. Haha... But at the same time gotta pretend as if we are not aware of other people's needs for seat. Hahaz... That's so bad! But you gotta be bad when u are half awake in the morning and also half dead in the evening....

Hmmm... Anyway, enough of blogging for tonight. TAta

I was really psych about going to a new campus at sentosa and staying there for a year to complete my junior year. But everything changes yesterday. I analysis the whole sentosa thingy and conclude that it is just a waste of time, resourse and money. Maybe all that thoughts came when i got to travel 1hr and 15mins to the new campus from my house. I used to take only 20mins to reach TP. Ok, i am not bias here even though i need to wake up an hour earlier each day. I don't even know why we are shifted there now. I see no future alliance with the working partners there. Lesson still more or less revolve around the school. So, it's basically shifting to a new campus all for nothing. Maybe it is one big marketing tool to market the HTM dipolma. No! I don't hate my course. The tutors are really great. Maybe i haven seen a real reason why we are shifted over there. It seems glam at first but all that glitter are not gold. It might just be a mirage glittering in far distance and when you walk towards it, it is just derelict. I do hope they can justified why we are shifing there. I hope by blogging this, i won't get into trouble. Wendy told me bloggers can be sued for defirmation. But i am not belittling my school's decision. I might not see what they see yet. Or vise versa.

Anyway, enough of blagging about the long traveling distance (i just can't seem to get over it.) I'm going to Batam tmr. Coming back on Sunday. No big deal. Just a super short trip. Have not felt the excitment just yet. Maybe tmr i will feel it on the ferry. Second time on the ferry. First time was when i was still crawling. Saw it at my family album and my mum told me i was on my way to Batam. Haha... Pretty long time. Wonder what will i see there. Maybe just the beach. But it's enough for me. I'm a beach bum. Well... pretty much i guess.. Don't think i will be taking alot of pictures because i decided not to bring my digital cam along. I can use my Nokia 6260 cam! Hehe... I just bought it last thursday. And damn... The price dropped $60.00 within the next two days. What is mine will be mine right.. Too bad... Money can't hurt me that much. Love can.

School gonna start next tuesday. 4 months of really intensive schooling. God, i have got 8 modules. 2 of which are more relax. But still alot to cope. I hope i can get good results this coming semester. Oh!! I'm in year 2 now. Can't wait for the day where i graduate. Already having the 'can't hardly wait for graduation' symptoms already. 1 down, 2 more years to go.. I will persist till then! I have to. Got no choice. Well... my ideal job... Hahaz... Dream job is a much better word because i can only have it in my dreams. I want to work for lonely planet and related industry. Write travel books for them. Go to different country, live in their hotels, dine at famous places, sightseeing at wonders of the world. All that while not spending a single cent and getting paid for it. Hahaz... Well... That's my aim anyway. Destination development sounds pretty cool too. And realistic. Hahaz... But Walt Disney says if you can dream it, you can do it. I want to do it!

Ok... Got to go pack my stuff. Bikinis, sun screen, towel. Batam!! Here i come!!!!!





Waiting for a revelation from Him. As i surrender all to You. Take away what is not from You and give me what is intended for me.

The road to nowhere

Wish you are leading a different life? I'm feeling more of that recently, more then ever. No, my life ain't as bad as what you think. It just wasn't great. It is not as happening, impactful, fulfilling, fun and satisfied as it should be. I wanna be there and done that. Wanna be able to lead a life really perfect. Have really nice lifestyle like what you've seen on The O.C. I mean, there are people my age in Singapore who are really up there making things happen. The sad thing is that i am waiting for things to happen. (Realise it shamefully) Tsk tsk... I have the drive, the energy and the ambition. How to find the opportunity?

Anyway, that's kinda too far-fetched to think about still. In present, I don't even have money to pay my bills. Oh man, i am becoming so depress by my non-existance achievement. Phew... Somebody save me from myself. I'm poisoning my own thoughts. I need money! So sad...

You know, i was just thinking why do good girls always got stuck with jerks? And it's not that they have no choice but to be with them. They have all the available choices they can make from. But why?? It's always the bad guys that make them fall so hard? Where have all the good guys gone to? Why aren't they around to save the good girls? I'm talking from observations. I simply hate those assholes who trampled on girls just because those girls need them. That's not love anymore. It's blackmailing! Love ain't like that and should never be. People fall in love like the speed of sending an sms. By doing so, you are actually falling in love with the people you want him to be. You thought he was like all you imagine how your bf would be. And that guy suddenly become the 'One' you have been waiting for all your life. So you slowly fall in love with this guy and worship upon the ground he walked on. You know you love him. Or rather you thought you love him. And he knows that you cannot live without him.... And he took advantage of that very fact and remove all his sheep's clothing. The wolf emerge.... By then, when the girl saw the wolf, she has already fallen deep in love. She won't care if the guy is a sheep or just a pile of shit. Girls are vulnerable in this way. They get used and abused mentally yet still refuse to go. I have seen so much of these. From friends and even myself. I have not met any real asshole yet but still i know i can fall into the cycle. Just hope that some good guy can come to catch me fall...

Still in the transitional period. Have not found what i'm looking for. It's taking a long time partly because i don't know what am i looking for. Someone very wise once told me that i may spend a lifetime looking. People do spend a lifetime looking for what they want. They are not silly. At least they don't settle for anything less. Other just lead a life that was given to them thinking that it is enough. What i say is: "Find your spirit and follow it!"


To Him: I know you are making efforts and i feel so happy. Just how long can you last? How long can we still go on?

Growing up

I'm 21! Happy Birthday to me! Really scary to think that i am growing older each day and yet accomplishing nothing yet. Well... the key word here is YET. I believe that i will be someone who will accomplish great things. But how?? I don't even know where my window of opportunities are. I need a stepping stone to start. And starting is always the hardest part.

The birthday Bash was well-recieved. All my friends turn up. Except for Clamen and Jason. But anyway, it was still cool... Wendy was the earliest. Help me out a lot during the day. That's what friends are for right? Make me feel that she is those best girlfriends who help u get dress during your date. Hehez... He (my bf) helped me since friday. Stay with me throughout to sat and sun. I am really very very touched! I now know he is capable of doing that. He is capable of loving me this much. Then weiwen and his gf came next. Really appreciate their puntuality. They stay the furthest (pioneer rd) yet they arrived the earliest. Xueli and other girlfriends turn up too. Didn't really talk much to them. They were entertaining themselve most of the time. But i think they won't mind. Patrick and the guys turn up too.. Then ivy and chiewling (my pri sch mate). Jin, emily and dotie came too.. My church friends Shelley and Sivian and her husband came too... Followed by Amber! She is so late. But she is the one that stayed throughout till the clock struck 12 to wish me happy birthday. Hehe... Glad that you were with me then. Zhaoquan was also with me. Alvin and james came rather late too.. But glad they can make it. Hechi was the latest! Hmmm... Hahaz. But i am happy that Wayne showed up. For more than a little while. Actually appreciate everyone's participation. Make me feel like a princess on the day.

Actually the climax of the party was right after cutting the cakes. I went to give a piece of cake to my dad. Then i give him a really tight hug. While doing so, i told him that i am really happy on that day. He said: " 21 yrs old already. Getting more mature already, and that means your papa is growing older day by day". Upon hearing those words, tears just stung in my eyes. At that particular moment, I am willing to give up everything in the whole world for him. i love him so much!

My boyfriend surprise me the most. He was with me for 3 days in a row. Help to do the birthday preparation, collect his DJ system even though it is so heavy, finally willing to meet my parents, bought my present in advance!, and so much more. Even though it is just for 3 days, i feel that it is enough. At least i know this man is capable for doing so much for me. And he like me enough to do all that. I feel blissful enough. It went beyond my expectation. But maybe it's because i have none to speak off first. On sunday, we stayed till late. He told me he has to go. I know my fairytales have to end. I know that on monday, it will be back to work. And everything old will set into place. Just like before. And it did. But i'll never forget those 3 days...( c:

I know that i have fallen deep again. This time was with him. A man without promise. I'm in for a really hard time. But there is no turning back now. It was time that he wanted. And time, i give. Now that i have put my love on the stakes, i can't take it back. I know i will lose. I can not win this man. But i still want to try. Silly me! God will catch my fall.

I have found a like-minded person. Someone whom understands me as well as i can understand. I pray God will never allow us to be apart. And i know that it was God who brought us together. It was God who let us be in the same class for 2 consecutive sem. Angee, welcome to my life. There's more to come. Let's explore it together.

a battle of my own

This week's routine was work and work and sleep. Till today, i finally break free of the captivating cycle. Was out for lunch with my boss at Vanch at Kallang Indoor Stadium. The meal was wonderful. They can really whip up a mean dishes that make you feel so sinful yet bliss while eating it. That was the first and the last meal of my day, so can you imagine how much i ate. I just stuff myself to the brim. Anyway, it was a nice meal and he give a really nice cross pendant for my birthday. After that, i went to meet Amber for church. So glad to have met Amber after 2 weeks of missing her. Such a beautiful lady with the really princessy pinkie slippers! Gal, its too small for you la, i got smaller feets! Hehez...

Church service was awsome. It speak to me like a sword piercing through my very thoughts. I was wondering if i am the only one struggling with it but then i realise i wasn't the only one. The internal conflict i have inside me. A conflict between the flesh and the spirit. Kind of profound for most to understand. Well basically it's more like the conflict between what you know you got to do versus what you want to do which is always have consequences you have to bear. And the latter always win. And i'm always bearing all the consequences.

You know, feelings are just so ever-changing. You can love somebody to death and can't live without that person. But when after a short period of time of separation and new people start to come into your life, those feelings seem so surreal. Like it hasn't exist before. Or what happen before was just a fleeting memories or just a dream you make up yourself. Seeing that person standing so close to you and knowing that you both were so in love before doesn't compensate for the vast distance you both share. A centimeter apart physically, a thousand mile apart emotionally. It's sad when your memories fail you because all i have are memories.

Wendy was telling me that lilin was reading my blog too. A shout-out to you gal! Hey Lilin! Miss you gal. Come to my birthday BBQ ok? Shall start calling everyone tomorrow. I don't have much time less. I just love to procrastinate. Tsk tsk...

Yes procrastination... Knowing what needs to be done and yet delaying it till the last possible moment. Sometime you get lucky. But other times, problems arise and cut into the path you have intended. Whose fault was that? YOURS! Hahaz.. Or rather, mine! I don't want to procrastinate anymore. But i just can't bring myself to do it. Knowing that it will be a shorter but sharper pain rather then a constant tormenting pain. Which will you choose? I always choose the second option. But i want to make a change this time round. just need more time. hahaz so basically, it is more procrastination afterall....

I realise that it is the little decisions that kills you. I was faced with a really simple decision to make. To go or not to go. But i think the consequences of going is gonna weighed me down and destroy everything. But still the tempatation was so great! I was literally at the cross road and the cabbie was really waiting for my answer. In the end, i say no. What a hard thing to decided on! After saying that, i feel such a great freedom like i can breakaway. No longer held in bondage. I was glad that i made that decision. Even though, not everyone was happy. But at least i choose the right thing. I choose to obey. Amber, you know what i mean! hahaz...

I was faced with a complex issue. I know i got to be a supportive friend but what if being supportive just defy whatever you have been believeing in for as long as you live? Being a caring friend would means going against what was right. Defying the very values you will brought up to apply. But i was also taught to spread love. God says: "Love your neighbour as you have love yourself" And i have decided... To be a supportive friend. Because my friend is so much more important than most things in my life. =)





"I hope you say you will treat me really really nice so that we can continue walking this journey. And i was glad to know that it took you great pain to say those words. I know that that wasn't what you want too.. But i know that by giving you more time, it will just cause me even greater hurt when things can't work out. I knew what your answer will be. Because i really know you. It is like exposing to radioactivity. The longer you stalled for time, the more likely you will be contaminated. But still, i choose to give you more time. Because i realise that the thought of losing you sooner is hard. I rather it be later."

non-existence appearance

Was invited to a so-called best friend 21st birthday yesterday. Turn out to be a disaster. No, the party went on really well. With ample F&B, cool people around and... well basically well... But the moment i was there (8.30pm) till maybe the end of everything, i was not acknowledge at all. I mean, i am not trying to be petty or what. But seriously, i think that girl has a serious attitude problem. A major, big-timed f*cked up issue. Not only there wasn't even a hello, help yourself with everything. But there wasn't even a single spoken conversation until maybe she realised that i am damn unhappy about it. I mean... Who in the world will treat a good friend this way? She basically treat everyone like a million bucks but when it comes to us (me and the other girls who are her closer frd), we are doormat. HELLO! Then don't invite us in the first place. I am bearing this thoughts for the longest time. I think she is DELIBERATELY doing this to me because she knows that this friendship means a lot to me. She just love to see me be tormented by her actions. Well... maybe subconsiciously i guess.... Well... i guess that she really put a full stop to our so-called friendship. I may sound so childish here. But i'm really bad at conveying my feelings into text so you might not really get the gist out of it. In short, i am hurt, angry, frustrated and disappointed in her. My best friend in the whole world.

I have putting up with her behaviour for as long. I console myself that 'she is like that'. But then i think it is unfair for me to be in this friendship where i feel that i am taken for a ride. She just show her 'holier than thou' attitude to me all the time whenever there are third party around. But when we are together, it's back to the old days. Teach me how to discern this behaviour. I'm simply clueless. She is the one person whom hurt me the deepest and the most number of times. YZ can testified to it. Right boy? I think i have to be firm. I mean, this is not a one-of kinda event. It happens so many times till i am numbed and normalised it. But it should not be the case. I should stand up for myself. Seriously, i am so afraid of her because i am so afraid of having less friends. I pity myself at times. Haiz... If a relationship is not balanced, it will topple sooner or later. Friends should not be someone who stand above u all the time. But someone who will stand behind, in front and beside of you depending on situations. God! help me to forgive people who have hurt me.

At nitez, i met up with him and we went sentosa for a ride. Very nice place for nitez partying with friends. Music, booze, clan in swimsuit, swimming under the moonlight. I really like that. He helps me to lighten my mood a bit. Told him what happen at her place. Felt better... Then went for supper and then headed home. Finally.... I spent significant time with him! haven done that for ages. Went ikea with him today. Stomach been feeling very bad today. Weak. Might have taken too much food. LOLZ... The furniture at ikea can really make one want to settle down and have a family. Seems so nice and cosy. That's my wish too... (*Blushz*)

Oh, btw, i might be holding my birthday at sun plaza park's bbq pit. Just at my void deck. Invite some friends and relatives over. Gonna be a small party. Initmate. I like... :p. Be sure to come if i invite u. If i haven, come anyway. And now.... most importantly.... drumroll........... YZ wants me to mention him. Hahaz.... My self proclaim besttttttttttt guy friend. Well... he is a very very nice guy. Been there for me when i am going through hell. Friends like that, you cannot forget. And you won't forget. :) Happy not? Can't sleep tonight already right? k... sign off now..


OUtz

Birthday Blues...

I bumped into my primary school classmates on the way to dinner. In the end we met up for coffee with another girl. 3 of us was sitting at the coffee joint talking about our life. It just came to me that i have known them for 10 years! Getting old i guess... Then they had friends to joins us. This guy was like 20 yrs old and driving a BMW convertibles. Gosh! Anyway i was in one last nitez for the first time. Music was thumping and i can feel the wind in my hair. A lot of wind i mean.! Hehe... I wasn't too fazed by it i guess. It wasn't mine.

My mum kept asking me if i would like to celebrate my 21st birthday. She wants to hold a chalet for me. Too bad... It's too late to book one now. Fully booked by now. It's just 2 weeks away anyway. I hate it! i mean i really don't want a chalet. Too clique. But where can i hold the celebration then? I wish i was still staying in Elias Green. Oh man! maybe i can have it at Elias Green! Then it will be a poolside party. Hafta call my aunt or Weixiong to help me out! But then it will be too far for many people and it's so inaccessible there. Hmmm.... Sickening. I seriously want to celebrate it. Mum's gonna pay part of it. I have always wanted a poolside party. But then again, nobody will want to swim, except me. Hahaz.. See... who can i invite? Well i guess i might get my retribution because alot of my friends ask me to their chalet and i ended up skipping it altogether. Anyway maybe most of my good friends will turn up. Definately not my BF. Kinda sad to want to have a birthday celebration and knowing that your BF won't turn up. Reasons? Work. Or maybe work is just an excuse. He don't want to see my family and friends. People! i think i need a slap on my face. Wake me up. What am i still doing with him? Seriously, when i have zero contact with him, i think of all the reasons why i should end it. When the min he calls, all the thoughts seem to have grow wings and fly away! Haiz... I seems to always be able to relate all of him to my unhappiness. Im not gudging him, just need a place where i can shout-up. Not to you all. But to get it off me.

I just recieved a call from my God-ma asking me what i want for my present. I think i will be stressed out by this birthday. If in the end nothing happens, don't be surprise. Because i can capable of pulling a no stunt show. LOLz.. When things get too much for me to handle. I guess i have to deal with it. It's once in my lifetime see...

I was home at about 2am last nitez after cruising around. Waited for his call till 4.30am. Talked for an hour and he begged me to let him go sleep. Duh? He called to accompanied him so that he won't fall asleep while driving. Now that my value is expired he thinks im a liability? HAahz... The thing is i can't sleep till 9.30am in the morning. Been tossing and turning throughout. Think so much thoughts. Wendy, i am really waiting for you. Let's do something we can profit upon. But what? The thing about me is i want many things. And i know i can do it. Be up there. But i don't know how. Very sad because when u are ambitious but you have no open doors, it is as good as nothing. What can i do seriously? Such a bummer who got up at noon and sleeps in the morning. My life need a facelift! People!! Those of you who have any ideas or plans, please get together and we think of something to do to make $$. I know it sounds crappy. It's an invitation anyway. We'll never know right?

Going out soon. For lunch (alone) =( and heading to indoor stadium for my church event. FCBC thingy... Ok... till then.

OUTZ

deafening silent

A polite phone call, gentle greetings and awkward conversation points out that everything is NOT ok in a relationship or even friendship. Where has all the teasing, laughters and mundane talks gone to? Instead, all are replace by uncomfortable silent. The silent is deafening... You can hear it so loud in your ears.

When will all these ends? Waiting for each others to say the word? I know its not cuz of pride and silly childish reasons. It because this is not what we want... To be apart... For my case, i have put in everything that i can, tolerating everything... I seriously like him alot. His humourous wit, his boyish actions, the way he sometimes seems to care for me, the feelings i have telling me he is actually lonely deep down inside. Maybe when u fall, you will accept his flaws too... For his case, he hasn't want it bad enough to do something about it... To get me back... It all depends on him now. The ball is in his court. However, i know what will the outcome be. It just depends on when! ='(

I was working last nitez. Enjoy every moment of it.. The band "Duo Tones" with Dan and Randoff was simply amazing. Especially Randoff. I was captivated! They are the reason by i work every mon evening. Hehe... They played songs like 'Imagine', 'Englishman in NY', 'Don't dream its over', 'knocking on heaven's door'. My all-time fav is "Don't know what's like". Goes like this... 'Baby, you don't know what it's like. Baby you don't know what it's like. To love somebody, to love somebody, the way... I love you". "Duo Tones" just moved me and words don't do justice to them. If you wanna catch their performance, be at Harry's Holland V on Wed evening. They will be there.

My gosh... I was tormented by tension headache yst. I tot it was gone for good. But anyway, they are coming back less frequent. The last time was last yr nov. And then yst. So it's good news. They are silent killer. I really wish to drive my head against the wall to stop the pain. I have read articles that people really do that! OR they kept hitting their heads. It's that bad! I think those who have it constantly knows what i mean. Anyway i fell asleep while trying to suppress the pain. Recieved a call at 3.15am. Was him.. I guess it was his way of winding down his day. We talked for bout an hour then he went to bed. Gosh... I couldn't sleep till when Ben left for school which is about 6.30am! I know it sounded silly talking in the middle of the nitez and make myself insomaic but that's the only time we had. I really cherished the time. =)

Meeting wendy later for my doc's appt. Don't wanna go alone. Maybe going for dinner with her too.. She is rushing for her project. Feel kinda bad to drag her to town. Shall ask her again if she really wants to or not. Oh..

Decided to get an ipod mini for Xueli's birthday. Need to go check out the price at Sim Lim square later. Birthday party at her place this coming saturday. I have got a church event actually... But no way i will miss going to her place. She might kill me. Literally... Talking bout that, my own birthday is coming up too. Seriously have no idea how to spend it. Don't wish to just get by it. Really wish it to be memorable! =(
Have not even gotten jinwen's pressy. We wanna buy her an Okley shades. Gotta wait for my paycheck. I'm broke as hell... I asked Alvin what job can provide me with salary but yet i can don't need to work. His reply: "Get married" LOLz... Silly guy.

Anyway.. got to go..


"In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation." Psalm5:3 NIV

rOse of SharOn

Sharon.. A name i will never forget. A woman so dear to my heart. A person who can hear the inner struggle of my heart and give explanations to them. She can put a sentence to whatever i am feeling. Never fails to encourage me even when the whole world seems to be against me. And only she can see the beauty of my soul, how hard i am trying to adapt and what a strong person i am trying to be. Even i can be against myself, thinking whatever i am feeling is so wrong. But she can always right the wrong. Thank you Sharon for everything.

Been feeling down for quite sometime. Even when everything seems to be fine. Practically have no reasons to be sad or whatsoever. As if i'm waiting for something better to come along. What is the thing i'm waiting for? I don't like to think that i am discontented with my life. Rather i think i am not settling at anything below the best. Searching hard for it. May be it's a relationship, a task or mission, a kind of feeling, etc... I really don't know. But i know this, right now, here, is not where i want to be. I will be better, further and feel really happy about it. Just wait and see. =)

Oh... Really hafta say this. Actually this (blog) has meant for me to really express my own deep thoughts and reflection about myself. But i kinda feel self-consious about writing everything now that i know people are reading it. It just defeats the very purpose of writing one! A blog like xiaxue.blogspot.com is one where she welcomes people into exploring her thoughts. But i somehow feel that people are invading mine! hahaz... Something is wrong here. Should not be feeling this way. Maybe i am ashame of how i am feeling? I seriously don't know.

I was out with wendy today. Went for the doc's appt and then shop around. The FCUK sales was over. =( Thanks to ZQ, i missed it. It was a up-to 90% sales!!! Oh man! We missed it because of very silly reasons like he need to find a place to sit down and have a drink before... before he fainted? Anyway, back to the shopping. Saw a mango coat at $160.00. Really chic and stylish. Too dear.. During dinner, She cooked dinner for mE!!! So touched. I've finished up everything. Even the egg with the shells in it. Lolz... Thanks gal.. Then we hung out at valvebar for awhile. Reached home by 10.30pm.

Had a heart-to-heart talk with my mum just now. She's so lovely. She really sits down and hear me out. Talking with friends is like they only hear 40% of it. But my mum hears even the unspoken stuff. Lucky of me to have her as my mum. But seriously, my mum is the real lucky one because she has found my dad as her husband. He is the sweetest guy i have known. Maybe in his own silent way. But he's a real keeper! I want a husband who is like my dad. Who loves my mum and care so much for us. =) Pray hard for me. Still waiting for God's best.

Oh! and Happy 20th Birthday to Carlene!


"I can do all things through Christ because he gives me strength" Philippians 4:13 ncv

Ever walk into a massive bookstore and looking at all the different sections and knowing that you don't know what you are looking for? They have things like fiction, best-seller, self-help, business, nature, IT, magazine, music, sociology and so on... The list just goes on and on. I was just standing there looking at my surrounding. People are reading books that interest them, children are running around, teenagers are fooling around, staffs supervising the store. However, all of them have a thing in common. A PURPOSE...

At that point, i was Overwhelmed by all that i was seeing and feel drowned by my own thoughts.. What was i looking for? Books by Dan Brown? (his Da vinCi cOde is amazing). Or maybe pick up some books off the best seller's rack? Or maybe some gossips of Hollywood mag? Or rather simply walking out the exit because i am lost. I literately feel like my surrounding was moving in fast-forward motion whereas i stood real still, rooted on the carpeted ground. At that point of time, i was seriously confuse.. Why am i feeling this way just cause of some silly books. There is no point in feeling the way i do just because i don't know what i want and where to go next. Then it daunt on me like a real smack in my face that it is an epitome of my life.

Lost in translation... Maybe it's more appropriate to describe me as 'Lost in transition". I am just confuse about everything. I know i think too much. But if that's what you are good at, why not? Right Amber? =) Is this a transition period for me? I get lost in my own thoughts all the time. If there is one thing that can kill me, it is this. They (my tots) are scary things. They make you doubt, feel insecure, be fearful... They are dangerous! Sometimes i wonder if they are even mine. I wish there is a term to call whatever that i am feeling. You know, there are times when i wish there is an explanation as to how i am feeling so i know actually i am not that insane afterall.... But i know i am. Or maybe everyone goes through that. They are just not honest enough to spell it out?

What provoke me to have a blog is because i think i need an outlet for my thoughts. I don't want them running marathon in my head. They will bug the joy out of me and won't let me go. So i guess i am letting them go.. For all to see what evil do-ers they are. Beware of them....

I'm just a twenties-something girl, in a course of studies she really thinks she has a passion for. With a caring family and a real pretty sis and some really nice friends. Amber being a soulmate, jinwen and xueli being my old secondary pals who are so busy with their work now, Wendy being the girlfriend sort of frds where u can't live without, YZ being the frd whom u know cares for u so much, and Alvin, always seeking happiness for me so that i can be happy. And so many more. I thank God everyday for them.. Like weiwen, Shelly, Zq (the EX), my sis, jojo and others....

Life with him... Just had a really big fight last nitez. I guess it's gonna be over soon... Been thinking of that thoughts since the day i say Yes to him.. Why am i still stuck here when i know leaving him is a much better choice? I am sad... well nothing new, i guess... Maybe i have got that nagging thoughts telling me that if i go, i will not find someone better. Or rather i will not find someone at all...Do u girls feel that too? or is it just me? Again. But with him, maybe most girls would wish they have no one at all. He is not a sucker. Well.. an asshole maybe.Love's a funny thing. They torture the hell outta you but can still make you beg and plead for more. Well, that's how i am like. Always looking for love and chasing after it with all i've got. But always Seems to get knocked down and make a bloody mess. Sad part is i don't pick up the mess. I just walk away.... Imagine the mess i have created thus far. Tsk tsk... Broken hearts and dreams. Tearful goodbyes and depressed souls. I just leave them hanging without dealing with them. They will all get back to me eventually. I just know it. Retribution...

I was out with Amber today.. Caught a movie "Spanglish". Nice cast of artists. I simply love Adam Sandler! Nice soulful acting... Never fails to capture my emotion and stirred my feelings. I was all dressed up today.. Maybe trying to compensate for my lousy mood. We had high tea at NYDC. Nice cakes they have got there. Truely enjoyed myself... During the movies, He called me. Normally i dun pick up calls in theater.. But him, an exception. He Sounded distant... Like he wished he haven't call.. maybe he shouldn't. Told him i'm in the movie... I called again when i get home.. Realise why he hasn't want to meet up.. It's ironic cuz we quarrel for that very reason and now he is still doing that to me. Apparently the conversation has not sunk into his thick skull... SAd case... He hasn't even have time to meet for a break up.. Double ironic...

Anyway, this is my virgin entry. Nothing great.. just a complex girl penning her silly thoughts. The only person who will read this will most prob be amber, wendy and Yz... :) Well... Life just get worse each time doesn't it?