a battle of my own

This week's routine was work and work and sleep. Till today, i finally break free of the captivating cycle. Was out for lunch with my boss at Vanch at Kallang Indoor Stadium. The meal was wonderful. They can really whip up a mean dishes that make you feel so sinful yet bliss while eating it. That was the first and the last meal of my day, so can you imagine how much i ate. I just stuff myself to the brim. Anyway, it was a nice meal and he give a really nice cross pendant for my birthday. After that, i went to meet Amber for church. So glad to have met Amber after 2 weeks of missing her. Such a beautiful lady with the really princessy pinkie slippers! Gal, its too small for you la, i got smaller feets! Hehez...

Church service was awsome. It speak to me like a sword piercing through my very thoughts. I was wondering if i am the only one struggling with it but then i realise i wasn't the only one. The internal conflict i have inside me. A conflict between the flesh and the spirit. Kind of profound for most to understand. Well basically it's more like the conflict between what you know you got to do versus what you want to do which is always have consequences you have to bear. And the latter always win. And i'm always bearing all the consequences.

You know, feelings are just so ever-changing. You can love somebody to death and can't live without that person. But when after a short period of time of separation and new people start to come into your life, those feelings seem so surreal. Like it hasn't exist before. Or what happen before was just a fleeting memories or just a dream you make up yourself. Seeing that person standing so close to you and knowing that you both were so in love before doesn't compensate for the vast distance you both share. A centimeter apart physically, a thousand mile apart emotionally. It's sad when your memories fail you because all i have are memories.

Wendy was telling me that lilin was reading my blog too. A shout-out to you gal! Hey Lilin! Miss you gal. Come to my birthday BBQ ok? Shall start calling everyone tomorrow. I don't have much time less. I just love to procrastinate. Tsk tsk...

Yes procrastination... Knowing what needs to be done and yet delaying it till the last possible moment. Sometime you get lucky. But other times, problems arise and cut into the path you have intended. Whose fault was that? YOURS! Hahaz.. Or rather, mine! I don't want to procrastinate anymore. But i just can't bring myself to do it. Knowing that it will be a shorter but sharper pain rather then a constant tormenting pain. Which will you choose? I always choose the second option. But i want to make a change this time round. just need more time. hahaz so basically, it is more procrastination afterall....

I realise that it is the little decisions that kills you. I was faced with a really simple decision to make. To go or not to go. But i think the consequences of going is gonna weighed me down and destroy everything. But still the tempatation was so great! I was literally at the cross road and the cabbie was really waiting for my answer. In the end, i say no. What a hard thing to decided on! After saying that, i feel such a great freedom like i can breakaway. No longer held in bondage. I was glad that i made that decision. Even though, not everyone was happy. But at least i choose the right thing. I choose to obey. Amber, you know what i mean! hahaz...

I was faced with a complex issue. I know i got to be a supportive friend but what if being supportive just defy whatever you have been believeing in for as long as you live? Being a caring friend would means going against what was right. Defying the very values you will brought up to apply. But i was also taught to spread love. God says: "Love your neighbour as you have love yourself" And i have decided... To be a supportive friend. Because my friend is so much more important than most things in my life. =)





"I hope you say you will treat me really really nice so that we can continue walking this journey. And i was glad to know that it took you great pain to say those words. I know that that wasn't what you want too.. But i know that by giving you more time, it will just cause me even greater hurt when things can't work out. I knew what your answer will be. Because i really know you. It is like exposing to radioactivity. The longer you stalled for time, the more likely you will be contaminated. But still, i choose to give you more time. Because i realise that the thought of losing you sooner is hard. I rather it be later."