Wish you are leading a different life? I'm feeling more of that recently, more then ever. No, my life ain't as bad as what you think. It just wasn't great. It is not as happening, impactful, fulfilling, fun and satisfied as it should be. I wanna be there and done that. Wanna be able to lead a life really perfect. Have really nice lifestyle like what you've seen on The O.C. I mean, there are people my age in Singapore who are really up there making things happen. The sad thing is that i am waiting for things to happen. (Realise it shamefully) Tsk tsk... I have the drive, the energy and the ambition. How to find the opportunity?
Anyway, that's kinda too far-fetched to think about still. In present, I don't even have money to pay my bills. Oh man, i am becoming so depress by my non-existance achievement. Phew... Somebody save me from myself. I'm poisoning my own thoughts. I need money! So sad...
You know, i was just thinking why do good girls always got stuck with jerks? And it's not that they have no choice but to be with them. They have all the available choices they can make from. But why?? It's always the bad guys that make them fall so hard? Where have all the good guys gone to? Why aren't they around to save the good girls? I'm talking from observations. I simply hate those assholes who trampled on girls just because those girls need them. That's not love anymore. It's blackmailing! Love ain't like that and should never be. People fall in love like the speed of sending an sms. By doing so, you are actually falling in love with the people you want him to be. You thought he was like all you imagine how your bf would be. And that guy suddenly become the 'One' you have been waiting for all your life. So you slowly fall in love with this guy and worship upon the ground he walked on. You know you love him. Or rather you thought you love him. And he knows that you cannot live without him.... And he took advantage of that very fact and remove all his sheep's clothing. The wolf emerge.... By then, when the girl saw the wolf, she has already fallen deep in love. She won't care if the guy is a sheep or just a pile of shit. Girls are vulnerable in this way. They get used and abused mentally yet still refuse to go. I have seen so much of these. From friends and even myself. I have not met any real asshole yet but still i know i can fall into the cycle. Just hope that some good guy can come to catch me fall...
Still in the transitional period. Have not found what i'm looking for. It's taking a long time partly because i don't know what am i looking for. Someone very wise once told me that i may spend a lifetime looking. People do spend a lifetime looking for what they want. They are not silly. At least they don't settle for anything less. Other just lead a life that was given to them thinking that it is enough. What i say is: "Find your spirit and follow it!"
To Him: I know you are making efforts and i feel so happy. Just how long can you last? How long can we still go on?
Thursday, April 28, 2005
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Growing up
I'm 21! Happy Birthday to me! Really scary to think that i am growing older each day and yet accomplishing nothing yet. Well... the key word here is YET. I believe that i will be someone who will accomplish great things. But how?? I don't even know where my window of opportunities are. I need a stepping stone to start. And starting is always the hardest part.
The birthday Bash was well-recieved. All my friends turn up. Except for Clamen and Jason. But anyway, it was still cool... Wendy was the earliest. Help me out a lot during the day. That's what friends are for right? Make me feel that she is those best girlfriends who help u get dress during your date. Hehez... He (my bf) helped me since friday. Stay with me throughout to sat and sun. I am really very very touched! I now know he is capable of doing that. He is capable of loving me this much. Then weiwen and his gf came next. Really appreciate their puntuality. They stay the furthest (pioneer rd) yet they arrived the earliest. Xueli and other girlfriends turn up too. Didn't really talk much to them. They were entertaining themselve most of the time. But i think they won't mind. Patrick and the guys turn up too.. Then ivy and chiewling (my pri sch mate). Jin, emily and dotie came too.. My church friends Shelley and Sivian and her husband came too... Followed by Amber! She is so late. But she is the one that stayed throughout till the clock struck 12 to wish me happy birthday. Hehe... Glad that you were with me then. Zhaoquan was also with me. Alvin and james came rather late too.. But glad they can make it. Hechi was the latest! Hmmm... Hahaz. But i am happy that Wayne showed up. For more than a little while. Actually appreciate everyone's participation. Make me feel like a princess on the day.
Actually the climax of the party was right after cutting the cakes. I went to give a piece of cake to my dad. Then i give him a really tight hug. While doing so, i told him that i am really happy on that day. He said: " 21 yrs old already. Getting more mature already, and that means your papa is growing older day by day". Upon hearing those words, tears just stung in my eyes. At that particular moment, I am willing to give up everything in the whole world for him. i love him so much!
My boyfriend surprise me the most. He was with me for 3 days in a row. Help to do the birthday preparation, collect his DJ system even though it is so heavy, finally willing to meet my parents, bought my present in advance!, and so much more. Even though it is just for 3 days, i feel that it is enough. At least i know this man is capable for doing so much for me. And he like me enough to do all that. I feel blissful enough. It went beyond my expectation. But maybe it's because i have none to speak off first. On sunday, we stayed till late. He told me he has to go. I know my fairytales have to end. I know that on monday, it will be back to work. And everything old will set into place. Just like before. And it did. But i'll never forget those 3 days...( c:
I know that i have fallen deep again. This time was with him. A man without promise. I'm in for a really hard time. But there is no turning back now. It was time that he wanted. And time, i give. Now that i have put my love on the stakes, i can't take it back. I know i will lose. I can not win this man. But i still want to try. Silly me! God will catch my fall.
I have found a like-minded person. Someone whom understands me as well as i can understand. I pray God will never allow us to be apart. And i know that it was God who brought us together. It was God who let us be in the same class for 2 consecutive sem. Angee, welcome to my life. There's more to come. Let's explore it together.
The birthday Bash was well-recieved. All my friends turn up. Except for Clamen and Jason. But anyway, it was still cool... Wendy was the earliest. Help me out a lot during the day. That's what friends are for right? Make me feel that she is those best girlfriends who help u get dress during your date. Hehez... He (my bf) helped me since friday. Stay with me throughout to sat and sun. I am really very very touched! I now know he is capable of doing that. He is capable of loving me this much. Then weiwen and his gf came next. Really appreciate their puntuality. They stay the furthest (pioneer rd) yet they arrived the earliest. Xueli and other girlfriends turn up too. Didn't really talk much to them. They were entertaining themselve most of the time. But i think they won't mind. Patrick and the guys turn up too.. Then ivy and chiewling (my pri sch mate). Jin, emily and dotie came too.. My church friends Shelley and Sivian and her husband came too... Followed by Amber! She is so late. But she is the one that stayed throughout till the clock struck 12 to wish me happy birthday. Hehe... Glad that you were with me then. Zhaoquan was also with me. Alvin and james came rather late too.. But glad they can make it. Hechi was the latest! Hmmm... Hahaz. But i am happy that Wayne showed up. For more than a little while. Actually appreciate everyone's participation. Make me feel like a princess on the day.
Actually the climax of the party was right after cutting the cakes. I went to give a piece of cake to my dad. Then i give him a really tight hug. While doing so, i told him that i am really happy on that day. He said: " 21 yrs old already. Getting more mature already, and that means your papa is growing older day by day". Upon hearing those words, tears just stung in my eyes. At that particular moment, I am willing to give up everything in the whole world for him. i love him so much!
My boyfriend surprise me the most. He was with me for 3 days in a row. Help to do the birthday preparation, collect his DJ system even though it is so heavy, finally willing to meet my parents, bought my present in advance!, and so much more. Even though it is just for 3 days, i feel that it is enough. At least i know this man is capable for doing so much for me. And he like me enough to do all that. I feel blissful enough. It went beyond my expectation. But maybe it's because i have none to speak off first. On sunday, we stayed till late. He told me he has to go. I know my fairytales have to end. I know that on monday, it will be back to work. And everything old will set into place. Just like before. And it did. But i'll never forget those 3 days...( c:
I know that i have fallen deep again. This time was with him. A man without promise. I'm in for a really hard time. But there is no turning back now. It was time that he wanted. And time, i give. Now that i have put my love on the stakes, i can't take it back. I know i will lose. I can not win this man. But i still want to try. Silly me! God will catch my fall.
I have found a like-minded person. Someone whom understands me as well as i can understand. I pray God will never allow us to be apart. And i know that it was God who brought us together. It was God who let us be in the same class for 2 consecutive sem. Angee, welcome to my life. There's more to come. Let's explore it together.
Saturday, April 16, 2005
a battle of my own
This week's routine was work and work and sleep. Till today, i finally break free of the captivating cycle. Was out for lunch with my boss at Vanch at Kallang Indoor Stadium. The meal was wonderful. They can really whip up a mean dishes that make you feel so sinful yet bliss while eating it. That was the first and the last meal of my day, so can you imagine how much i ate. I just stuff myself to the brim. Anyway, it was a nice meal and he give a really nice cross pendant for my birthday. After that, i went to meet Amber for church. So glad to have met Amber after 2 weeks of missing her. Such a beautiful lady with the really princessy pinkie slippers! Gal, its too small for you la, i got smaller feets! Hehez...
Church service was awsome. It speak to me like a sword piercing through my very thoughts. I was wondering if i am the only one struggling with it but then i realise i wasn't the only one. The internal conflict i have inside me. A conflict between the flesh and the spirit. Kind of profound for most to understand. Well basically it's more like the conflict between what you know you got to do versus what you want to do which is always have consequences you have to bear. And the latter always win. And i'm always bearing all the consequences.
You know, feelings are just so ever-changing. You can love somebody to death and can't live without that person. But when after a short period of time of separation and new people start to come into your life, those feelings seem so surreal. Like it hasn't exist before. Or what happen before was just a fleeting memories or just a dream you make up yourself. Seeing that person standing so close to you and knowing that you both were so in love before doesn't compensate for the vast distance you both share. A centimeter apart physically, a thousand mile apart emotionally. It's sad when your memories fail you because all i have are memories.
Wendy was telling me that lilin was reading my blog too. A shout-out to you gal! Hey Lilin! Miss you gal. Come to my birthday BBQ ok? Shall start calling everyone tomorrow. I don't have much time less. I just love to procrastinate. Tsk tsk...
Yes procrastination... Knowing what needs to be done and yet delaying it till the last possible moment. Sometime you get lucky. But other times, problems arise and cut into the path you have intended. Whose fault was that? YOURS! Hahaz.. Or rather, mine! I don't want to procrastinate anymore. But i just can't bring myself to do it. Knowing that it will be a shorter but sharper pain rather then a constant tormenting pain. Which will you choose? I always choose the second option. But i want to make a change this time round. just need more time. hahaz so basically, it is more procrastination afterall....
I realise that it is the little decisions that kills you. I was faced with a really simple decision to make. To go or not to go. But i think the consequences of going is gonna weighed me down and destroy everything. But still the tempatation was so great! I was literally at the cross road and the cabbie was really waiting for my answer. In the end, i say no. What a hard thing to decided on! After saying that, i feel such a great freedom like i can breakaway. No longer held in bondage. I was glad that i made that decision. Even though, not everyone was happy. But at least i choose the right thing. I choose to obey. Amber, you know what i mean! hahaz...
I was faced with a complex issue. I know i got to be a supportive friend but what if being supportive just defy whatever you have been believeing in for as long as you live? Being a caring friend would means going against what was right. Defying the very values you will brought up to apply. But i was also taught to spread love. God says: "Love your neighbour as you have love yourself" And i have decided... To be a supportive friend. Because my friend is so much more important than most things in my life. =)
"I hope you say you will treat me really really nice so that we can continue walking this journey. And i was glad to know that it took you great pain to say those words. I know that that wasn't what you want too.. But i know that by giving you more time, it will just cause me even greater hurt when things can't work out. I knew what your answer will be. Because i really know you. It is like exposing to radioactivity. The longer you stalled for time, the more likely you will be contaminated. But still, i choose to give you more time. Because i realise that the thought of losing you sooner is hard. I rather it be later."
Church service was awsome. It speak to me like a sword piercing through my very thoughts. I was wondering if i am the only one struggling with it but then i realise i wasn't the only one. The internal conflict i have inside me. A conflict between the flesh and the spirit. Kind of profound for most to understand. Well basically it's more like the conflict between what you know you got to do versus what you want to do which is always have consequences you have to bear. And the latter always win. And i'm always bearing all the consequences.
You know, feelings are just so ever-changing. You can love somebody to death and can't live without that person. But when after a short period of time of separation and new people start to come into your life, those feelings seem so surreal. Like it hasn't exist before. Or what happen before was just a fleeting memories or just a dream you make up yourself. Seeing that person standing so close to you and knowing that you both were so in love before doesn't compensate for the vast distance you both share. A centimeter apart physically, a thousand mile apart emotionally. It's sad when your memories fail you because all i have are memories.
Wendy was telling me that lilin was reading my blog too. A shout-out to you gal! Hey Lilin! Miss you gal. Come to my birthday BBQ ok? Shall start calling everyone tomorrow. I don't have much time less. I just love to procrastinate. Tsk tsk...
Yes procrastination... Knowing what needs to be done and yet delaying it till the last possible moment. Sometime you get lucky. But other times, problems arise and cut into the path you have intended. Whose fault was that? YOURS! Hahaz.. Or rather, mine! I don't want to procrastinate anymore. But i just can't bring myself to do it. Knowing that it will be a shorter but sharper pain rather then a constant tormenting pain. Which will you choose? I always choose the second option. But i want to make a change this time round. just need more time. hahaz so basically, it is more procrastination afterall....
I realise that it is the little decisions that kills you. I was faced with a really simple decision to make. To go or not to go. But i think the consequences of going is gonna weighed me down and destroy everything. But still the tempatation was so great! I was literally at the cross road and the cabbie was really waiting for my answer. In the end, i say no. What a hard thing to decided on! After saying that, i feel such a great freedom like i can breakaway. No longer held in bondage. I was glad that i made that decision. Even though, not everyone was happy. But at least i choose the right thing. I choose to obey. Amber, you know what i mean! hahaz...
I was faced with a complex issue. I know i got to be a supportive friend but what if being supportive just defy whatever you have been believeing in for as long as you live? Being a caring friend would means going against what was right. Defying the very values you will brought up to apply. But i was also taught to spread love. God says: "Love your neighbour as you have love yourself" And i have decided... To be a supportive friend. Because my friend is so much more important than most things in my life. =)
"I hope you say you will treat me really really nice so that we can continue walking this journey. And i was glad to know that it took you great pain to say those words. I know that that wasn't what you want too.. But i know that by giving you more time, it will just cause me even greater hurt when things can't work out. I knew what your answer will be. Because i really know you. It is like exposing to radioactivity. The longer you stalled for time, the more likely you will be contaminated. But still, i choose to give you more time. Because i realise that the thought of losing you sooner is hard. I rather it be later."
Sunday, April 10, 2005
non-existence appearance
Was invited to a so-called best friend 21st birthday yesterday. Turn out to be a disaster. No, the party went on really well. With ample F&B, cool people around and... well basically well... But the moment i was there (8.30pm) till maybe the end of everything, i was not acknowledge at all. I mean, i am not trying to be petty or what. But seriously, i think that girl has a serious attitude problem. A major, big-timed f*cked up issue. Not only there wasn't even a hello, help yourself with everything. But there wasn't even a single spoken conversation until maybe she realised that i am damn unhappy about it. I mean... Who in the world will treat a good friend this way? She basically treat everyone like a million bucks but when it comes to us (me and the other girls who are her closer frd), we are doormat. HELLO! Then don't invite us in the first place. I am bearing this thoughts for the longest time. I think she is DELIBERATELY doing this to me because she knows that this friendship means a lot to me. She just love to see me be tormented by her actions. Well... maybe subconsiciously i guess.... Well... i guess that she really put a full stop to our so-called friendship. I may sound so childish here. But i'm really bad at conveying my feelings into text so you might not really get the gist out of it. In short, i am hurt, angry, frustrated and disappointed in her. My best friend in the whole world.
I have putting up with her behaviour for as long. I console myself that 'she is like that'. But then i think it is unfair for me to be in this friendship where i feel that i am taken for a ride. She just show her 'holier than thou' attitude to me all the time whenever there are third party around. But when we are together, it's back to the old days. Teach me how to discern this behaviour. I'm simply clueless. She is the one person whom hurt me the deepest and the most number of times. YZ can testified to it. Right boy? I think i have to be firm. I mean, this is not a one-of kinda event. It happens so many times till i am numbed and normalised it. But it should not be the case. I should stand up for myself. Seriously, i am so afraid of her because i am so afraid of having less friends. I pity myself at times. Haiz... If a relationship is not balanced, it will topple sooner or later. Friends should not be someone who stand above u all the time. But someone who will stand behind, in front and beside of you depending on situations. God! help me to forgive people who have hurt me.
At nitez, i met up with him and we went sentosa for a ride. Very nice place for nitez partying with friends. Music, booze, clan in swimsuit, swimming under the moonlight. I really like that. He helps me to lighten my mood a bit. Told him what happen at her place. Felt better... Then went for supper and then headed home. Finally.... I spent significant time with him! haven done that for ages. Went ikea with him today. Stomach been feeling very bad today. Weak. Might have taken too much food. LOLZ... The furniture at ikea can really make one want to settle down and have a family. Seems so nice and cosy. That's my wish too... (*Blushz*)
Oh, btw, i might be holding my birthday at sun plaza park's bbq pit. Just at my void deck. Invite some friends and relatives over. Gonna be a small party. Initmate. I like... :p. Be sure to come if i invite u. If i haven, come anyway. And now.... most importantly.... drumroll........... YZ wants me to mention him. Hahaz.... My self proclaim besttttttttttt guy friend. Well... he is a very very nice guy. Been there for me when i am going through hell. Friends like that, you cannot forget. And you won't forget. :) Happy not? Can't sleep tonight already right? k... sign off now..
OUtz
I have putting up with her behaviour for as long. I console myself that 'she is like that'. But then i think it is unfair for me to be in this friendship where i feel that i am taken for a ride. She just show her 'holier than thou' attitude to me all the time whenever there are third party around. But when we are together, it's back to the old days. Teach me how to discern this behaviour. I'm simply clueless. She is the one person whom hurt me the deepest and the most number of times. YZ can testified to it. Right boy? I think i have to be firm. I mean, this is not a one-of kinda event. It happens so many times till i am numbed and normalised it. But it should not be the case. I should stand up for myself. Seriously, i am so afraid of her because i am so afraid of having less friends. I pity myself at times. Haiz... If a relationship is not balanced, it will topple sooner or later. Friends should not be someone who stand above u all the time. But someone who will stand behind, in front and beside of you depending on situations. God! help me to forgive people who have hurt me.
At nitez, i met up with him and we went sentosa for a ride. Very nice place for nitez partying with friends. Music, booze, clan in swimsuit, swimming under the moonlight. I really like that. He helps me to lighten my mood a bit. Told him what happen at her place. Felt better... Then went for supper and then headed home. Finally.... I spent significant time with him! haven done that for ages. Went ikea with him today. Stomach been feeling very bad today. Weak. Might have taken too much food. LOLZ... The furniture at ikea can really make one want to settle down and have a family. Seems so nice and cosy. That's my wish too... (*Blushz*)
Oh, btw, i might be holding my birthday at sun plaza park's bbq pit. Just at my void deck. Invite some friends and relatives over. Gonna be a small party. Initmate. I like... :p. Be sure to come if i invite u. If i haven, come anyway. And now.... most importantly.... drumroll........... YZ wants me to mention him. Hahaz.... My self proclaim besttttttttttt guy friend. Well... he is a very very nice guy. Been there for me when i am going through hell. Friends like that, you cannot forget. And you won't forget. :) Happy not? Can't sleep tonight already right? k... sign off now..
OUtz
Thursday, April 07, 2005
Birthday Blues...
I bumped into my primary school classmates on the way to dinner. In the end we met up for coffee with another girl. 3 of us was sitting at the coffee joint talking about our life. It just came to me that i have known them for 10 years! Getting old i guess... Then they had friends to joins us. This guy was like 20 yrs old and driving a BMW convertibles. Gosh! Anyway i was in one last nitez for the first time. Music was thumping and i can feel the wind in my hair. A lot of wind i mean.! Hehe... I wasn't too fazed by it i guess. It wasn't mine.
My mum kept asking me if i would like to celebrate my 21st birthday. She wants to hold a chalet for me. Too bad... It's too late to book one now. Fully booked by now. It's just 2 weeks away anyway. I hate it! i mean i really don't want a chalet. Too clique. But where can i hold the celebration then? I wish i was still staying in Elias Green. Oh man! maybe i can have it at Elias Green! Then it will be a poolside party. Hafta call my aunt or Weixiong to help me out! But then it will be too far for many people and it's so inaccessible there. Hmmm.... Sickening. I seriously want to celebrate it. Mum's gonna pay part of it. I have always wanted a poolside party. But then again, nobody will want to swim, except me. Hahaz.. See... who can i invite? Well i guess i might get my retribution because alot of my friends ask me to their chalet and i ended up skipping it altogether. Anyway maybe most of my good friends will turn up. Definately not my BF. Kinda sad to want to have a birthday celebration and knowing that your BF won't turn up. Reasons? Work. Or maybe work is just an excuse. He don't want to see my family and friends. People! i think i need a slap on my face. Wake me up. What am i still doing with him? Seriously, when i have zero contact with him, i think of all the reasons why i should end it. When the min he calls, all the thoughts seem to have grow wings and fly away! Haiz... I seems to always be able to relate all of him to my unhappiness. Im not gudging him, just need a place where i can shout-up. Not to you all. But to get it off me.
I just recieved a call from my God-ma asking me what i want for my present. I think i will be stressed out by this birthday. If in the end nothing happens, don't be surprise. Because i can capable of pulling a no stunt show. LOLz.. When things get too much for me to handle. I guess i have to deal with it. It's once in my lifetime see...
I was home at about 2am last nitez after cruising around. Waited for his call till 4.30am. Talked for an hour and he begged me to let him go sleep. Duh? He called to accompanied him so that he won't fall asleep while driving. Now that my value is expired he thinks im a liability? HAahz... The thing is i can't sleep till 9.30am in the morning. Been tossing and turning throughout. Think so much thoughts. Wendy, i am really waiting for you. Let's do something we can profit upon. But what? The thing about me is i want many things. And i know i can do it. Be up there. But i don't know how. Very sad because when u are ambitious but you have no open doors, it is as good as nothing. What can i do seriously? Such a bummer who got up at noon and sleeps in the morning. My life need a facelift! People!! Those of you who have any ideas or plans, please get together and we think of something to do to make $$. I know it sounds crappy. It's an invitation anyway. We'll never know right?
Going out soon. For lunch (alone) =( and heading to indoor stadium for my church event. FCBC thingy... Ok... till then.
OUTZ
My mum kept asking me if i would like to celebrate my 21st birthday. She wants to hold a chalet for me. Too bad... It's too late to book one now. Fully booked by now. It's just 2 weeks away anyway. I hate it! i mean i really don't want a chalet. Too clique. But where can i hold the celebration then? I wish i was still staying in Elias Green. Oh man! maybe i can have it at Elias Green! Then it will be a poolside party. Hafta call my aunt or Weixiong to help me out! But then it will be too far for many people and it's so inaccessible there. Hmmm.... Sickening. I seriously want to celebrate it. Mum's gonna pay part of it. I have always wanted a poolside party. But then again, nobody will want to swim, except me. Hahaz.. See... who can i invite? Well i guess i might get my retribution because alot of my friends ask me to their chalet and i ended up skipping it altogether. Anyway maybe most of my good friends will turn up. Definately not my BF. Kinda sad to want to have a birthday celebration and knowing that your BF won't turn up. Reasons? Work. Or maybe work is just an excuse. He don't want to see my family and friends. People! i think i need a slap on my face. Wake me up. What am i still doing with him? Seriously, when i have zero contact with him, i think of all the reasons why i should end it. When the min he calls, all the thoughts seem to have grow wings and fly away! Haiz... I seems to always be able to relate all of him to my unhappiness. Im not gudging him, just need a place where i can shout-up. Not to you all. But to get it off me.
I just recieved a call from my God-ma asking me what i want for my present. I think i will be stressed out by this birthday. If in the end nothing happens, don't be surprise. Because i can capable of pulling a no stunt show. LOLz.. When things get too much for me to handle. I guess i have to deal with it. It's once in my lifetime see...
I was home at about 2am last nitez after cruising around. Waited for his call till 4.30am. Talked for an hour and he begged me to let him go sleep. Duh? He called to accompanied him so that he won't fall asleep while driving. Now that my value is expired he thinks im a liability? HAahz... The thing is i can't sleep till 9.30am in the morning. Been tossing and turning throughout. Think so much thoughts. Wendy, i am really waiting for you. Let's do something we can profit upon. But what? The thing about me is i want many things. And i know i can do it. Be up there. But i don't know how. Very sad because when u are ambitious but you have no open doors, it is as good as nothing. What can i do seriously? Such a bummer who got up at noon and sleeps in the morning. My life need a facelift! People!! Those of you who have any ideas or plans, please get together and we think of something to do to make $$. I know it sounds crappy. It's an invitation anyway. We'll never know right?
Going out soon. For lunch (alone) =( and heading to indoor stadium for my church event. FCBC thingy... Ok... till then.
OUTZ
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
deafening silent
A polite phone call, gentle greetings and awkward conversation points out that everything is NOT ok in a relationship or even friendship. Where has all the teasing, laughters and mundane talks gone to? Instead, all are replace by uncomfortable silent. The silent is deafening... You can hear it so loud in your ears.
When will all these ends? Waiting for each others to say the word? I know its not cuz of pride and silly childish reasons. It because this is not what we want... To be apart... For my case, i have put in everything that i can, tolerating everything... I seriously like him alot. His humourous wit, his boyish actions, the way he sometimes seems to care for me, the feelings i have telling me he is actually lonely deep down inside. Maybe when u fall, you will accept his flaws too... For his case, he hasn't want it bad enough to do something about it... To get me back... It all depends on him now. The ball is in his court. However, i know what will the outcome be. It just depends on when! ='(
I was working last nitez. Enjoy every moment of it.. The band "Duo Tones" with Dan and Randoff was simply amazing. Especially Randoff. I was captivated! They are the reason by i work every mon evening. Hehe... They played songs like 'Imagine', 'Englishman in NY', 'Don't dream its over', 'knocking on heaven's door'. My all-time fav is "Don't know what's like". Goes like this... 'Baby, you don't know what it's like. Baby you don't know what it's like. To love somebody, to love somebody, the way... I love you". "Duo Tones" just moved me and words don't do justice to them. If you wanna catch their performance, be at Harry's Holland V on Wed evening. They will be there.
My gosh... I was tormented by tension headache yst. I tot it was gone for good. But anyway, they are coming back less frequent. The last time was last yr nov. And then yst. So it's good news. They are silent killer. I really wish to drive my head against the wall to stop the pain. I have read articles that people really do that! OR they kept hitting their heads. It's that bad! I think those who have it constantly knows what i mean. Anyway i fell asleep while trying to suppress the pain. Recieved a call at 3.15am. Was him.. I guess it was his way of winding down his day. We talked for bout an hour then he went to bed. Gosh... I couldn't sleep till when Ben left for school which is about 6.30am! I know it sounded silly talking in the middle of the nitez and make myself insomaic but that's the only time we had. I really cherished the time. =)
Meeting wendy later for my doc's appt. Don't wanna go alone. Maybe going for dinner with her too.. She is rushing for her project. Feel kinda bad to drag her to town. Shall ask her again if she really wants to or not. Oh..
Decided to get an ipod mini for Xueli's birthday. Need to go check out the price at Sim Lim square later. Birthday party at her place this coming saturday. I have got a church event actually... But no way i will miss going to her place. She might kill me. Literally... Talking bout that, my own birthday is coming up too. Seriously have no idea how to spend it. Don't wish to just get by it. Really wish it to be memorable! =(
Have not even gotten jinwen's pressy. We wanna buy her an Okley shades. Gotta wait for my paycheck. I'm broke as hell... I asked Alvin what job can provide me with salary but yet i can don't need to work. His reply: "Get married" LOLz... Silly guy.
Anyway.. got to go..
"In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation." Psalm5:3 NIV
When will all these ends? Waiting for each others to say the word? I know its not cuz of pride and silly childish reasons. It because this is not what we want... To be apart... For my case, i have put in everything that i can, tolerating everything... I seriously like him alot. His humourous wit, his boyish actions, the way he sometimes seems to care for me, the feelings i have telling me he is actually lonely deep down inside. Maybe when u fall, you will accept his flaws too... For his case, he hasn't want it bad enough to do something about it... To get me back... It all depends on him now. The ball is in his court. However, i know what will the outcome be. It just depends on when! ='(
I was working last nitez. Enjoy every moment of it.. The band "Duo Tones" with Dan and Randoff was simply amazing. Especially Randoff. I was captivated! They are the reason by i work every mon evening. Hehe... They played songs like 'Imagine', 'Englishman in NY', 'Don't dream its over', 'knocking on heaven's door'. My all-time fav is "Don't know what's like". Goes like this... 'Baby, you don't know what it's like. Baby you don't know what it's like. To love somebody, to love somebody, the way... I love you". "Duo Tones" just moved me and words don't do justice to them. If you wanna catch their performance, be at Harry's Holland V on Wed evening. They will be there.
My gosh... I was tormented by tension headache yst. I tot it was gone for good. But anyway, they are coming back less frequent. The last time was last yr nov. And then yst. So it's good news. They are silent killer. I really wish to drive my head against the wall to stop the pain. I have read articles that people really do that! OR they kept hitting their heads. It's that bad! I think those who have it constantly knows what i mean. Anyway i fell asleep while trying to suppress the pain. Recieved a call at 3.15am. Was him.. I guess it was his way of winding down his day. We talked for bout an hour then he went to bed. Gosh... I couldn't sleep till when Ben left for school which is about 6.30am! I know it sounded silly talking in the middle of the nitez and make myself insomaic but that's the only time we had. I really cherished the time. =)
Meeting wendy later for my doc's appt. Don't wanna go alone. Maybe going for dinner with her too.. She is rushing for her project. Feel kinda bad to drag her to town. Shall ask her again if she really wants to or not. Oh..
Decided to get an ipod mini for Xueli's birthday. Need to go check out the price at Sim Lim square later. Birthday party at her place this coming saturday. I have got a church event actually... But no way i will miss going to her place. She might kill me. Literally... Talking bout that, my own birthday is coming up too. Seriously have no idea how to spend it. Don't wish to just get by it. Really wish it to be memorable! =(
Have not even gotten jinwen's pressy. We wanna buy her an Okley shades. Gotta wait for my paycheck. I'm broke as hell... I asked Alvin what job can provide me with salary but yet i can don't need to work. His reply: "Get married" LOLz... Silly guy.
Anyway.. got to go..
"In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation." Psalm5:3 NIV
rOse of SharOn
Sharon.. A name i will never forget. A woman so dear to my heart. A person who can hear the inner struggle of my heart and give explanations to them. She can put a sentence to whatever i am feeling. Never fails to encourage me even when the whole world seems to be against me. And only she can see the beauty of my soul, how hard i am trying to adapt and what a strong person i am trying to be. Even i can be against myself, thinking whatever i am feeling is so wrong. But she can always right the wrong. Thank you Sharon for everything.
Been feeling down for quite sometime. Even when everything seems to be fine. Practically have no reasons to be sad or whatsoever. As if i'm waiting for something better to come along. What is the thing i'm waiting for? I don't like to think that i am discontented with my life. Rather i think i am not settling at anything below the best. Searching hard for it. May be it's a relationship, a task or mission, a kind of feeling, etc... I really don't know. But i know this, right now, here, is not where i want to be. I will be better, further and feel really happy about it. Just wait and see. =)
Oh... Really hafta say this. Actually this (blog) has meant for me to really express my own deep thoughts and reflection about myself. But i kinda feel self-consious about writing everything now that i know people are reading it. It just defeats the very purpose of writing one! A blog like xiaxue.blogspot.com is one where she welcomes people into exploring her thoughts. But i somehow feel that people are invading mine! hahaz... Something is wrong here. Should not be feeling this way. Maybe i am ashame of how i am feeling? I seriously don't know.
I was out with wendy today. Went for the doc's appt and then shop around. The FCUK sales was over. =( Thanks to ZQ, i missed it. It was a up-to 90% sales!!! Oh man! We missed it because of very silly reasons like he need to find a place to sit down and have a drink before... before he fainted? Anyway, back to the shopping. Saw a mango coat at $160.00. Really chic and stylish. Too dear.. During dinner, She cooked dinner for mE!!! So touched. I've finished up everything. Even the egg with the shells in it. Lolz... Thanks gal.. Then we hung out at valvebar for awhile. Reached home by 10.30pm.
Had a heart-to-heart talk with my mum just now. She's so lovely. She really sits down and hear me out. Talking with friends is like they only hear 40% of it. But my mum hears even the unspoken stuff. Lucky of me to have her as my mum. But seriously, my mum is the real lucky one because she has found my dad as her husband. He is the sweetest guy i have known. Maybe in his own silent way. But he's a real keeper! I want a husband who is like my dad. Who loves my mum and care so much for us. =) Pray hard for me. Still waiting for God's best.
Oh! and Happy 20th Birthday to Carlene!
"I can do all things through Christ because he gives me strength" Philippians 4:13 ncv
Been feeling down for quite sometime. Even when everything seems to be fine. Practically have no reasons to be sad or whatsoever. As if i'm waiting for something better to come along. What is the thing i'm waiting for? I don't like to think that i am discontented with my life. Rather i think i am not settling at anything below the best. Searching hard for it. May be it's a relationship, a task or mission, a kind of feeling, etc... I really don't know. But i know this, right now, here, is not where i want to be. I will be better, further and feel really happy about it. Just wait and see. =)
Oh... Really hafta say this. Actually this (blog) has meant for me to really express my own deep thoughts and reflection about myself. But i kinda feel self-consious about writing everything now that i know people are reading it. It just defeats the very purpose of writing one! A blog like xiaxue.blogspot.com is one where she welcomes people into exploring her thoughts. But i somehow feel that people are invading mine! hahaz... Something is wrong here. Should not be feeling this way. Maybe i am ashame of how i am feeling? I seriously don't know.
I was out with wendy today. Went for the doc's appt and then shop around. The FCUK sales was over. =( Thanks to ZQ, i missed it. It was a up-to 90% sales!!! Oh man! We missed it because of very silly reasons like he need to find a place to sit down and have a drink before... before he fainted? Anyway, back to the shopping. Saw a mango coat at $160.00. Really chic and stylish. Too dear.. During dinner, She cooked dinner for mE!!! So touched. I've finished up everything. Even the egg with the shells in it. Lolz... Thanks gal.. Then we hung out at valvebar for awhile. Reached home by 10.30pm.
Had a heart-to-heart talk with my mum just now. She's so lovely. She really sits down and hear me out. Talking with friends is like they only hear 40% of it. But my mum hears even the unspoken stuff. Lucky of me to have her as my mum. But seriously, my mum is the real lucky one because she has found my dad as her husband. He is the sweetest guy i have known. Maybe in his own silent way. But he's a real keeper! I want a husband who is like my dad. Who loves my mum and care so much for us. =) Pray hard for me. Still waiting for God's best.
Oh! and Happy 20th Birthday to Carlene!
"I can do all things through Christ because he gives me strength" Philippians 4:13 ncv
Monday, April 04, 2005
Ever walk into a massive bookstore and looking at all the different sections and knowing that you don't know what you are looking for? They have things like fiction, best-seller, self-help, business, nature, IT, magazine, music, sociology and so on... The list just goes on and on. I was just standing there looking at my surrounding. People are reading books that interest them, children are running around, teenagers are fooling around, staffs supervising the store. However, all of them have a thing in common. A PURPOSE...
At that point, i was Overwhelmed by all that i was seeing and feel drowned by my own thoughts.. What was i looking for? Books by Dan Brown? (his Da vinCi cOde is amazing). Or maybe pick up some books off the best seller's rack? Or maybe some gossips of Hollywood mag? Or rather simply walking out the exit because i am lost. I literately feel like my surrounding was moving in fast-forward motion whereas i stood real still, rooted on the carpeted ground. At that point of time, i was seriously confuse.. Why am i feeling this way just cause of some silly books. There is no point in feeling the way i do just because i don't know what i want and where to go next. Then it daunt on me like a real smack in my face that it is an epitome of my life.
Lost in translation... Maybe it's more appropriate to describe me as 'Lost in transition". I am just confuse about everything. I know i think too much. But if that's what you are good at, why not? Right Amber? =) Is this a transition period for me? I get lost in my own thoughts all the time. If there is one thing that can kill me, it is this. They (my tots) are scary things. They make you doubt, feel insecure, be fearful... They are dangerous! Sometimes i wonder if they are even mine. I wish there is a term to call whatever that i am feeling. You know, there are times when i wish there is an explanation as to how i am feeling so i know actually i am not that insane afterall.... But i know i am. Or maybe everyone goes through that. They are just not honest enough to spell it out?
What provoke me to have a blog is because i think i need an outlet for my thoughts. I don't want them running marathon in my head. They will bug the joy out of me and won't let me go. So i guess i am letting them go.. For all to see what evil do-ers they are. Beware of them....
I'm just a twenties-something girl, in a course of studies she really thinks she has a passion for. With a caring family and a real pretty sis and some really nice friends. Amber being a soulmate, jinwen and xueli being my old secondary pals who are so busy with their work now, Wendy being the girlfriend sort of frds where u can't live without, YZ being the frd whom u know cares for u so much, and Alvin, always seeking happiness for me so that i can be happy. And so many more. I thank God everyday for them.. Like weiwen, Shelly, Zq (the EX), my sis, jojo and others....
Life with him... Just had a really big fight last nitez. I guess it's gonna be over soon... Been thinking of that thoughts since the day i say Yes to him.. Why am i still stuck here when i know leaving him is a much better choice? I am sad... well nothing new, i guess... Maybe i have got that nagging thoughts telling me that if i go, i will not find someone better. Or rather i will not find someone at all...Do u girls feel that too? or is it just me? Again. But with him, maybe most girls would wish they have no one at all. He is not a sucker. Well.. an asshole maybe.Love's a funny thing. They torture the hell outta you but can still make you beg and plead for more. Well, that's how i am like. Always looking for love and chasing after it with all i've got. But always Seems to get knocked down and make a bloody mess. Sad part is i don't pick up the mess. I just walk away.... Imagine the mess i have created thus far. Tsk tsk... Broken hearts and dreams. Tearful goodbyes and depressed souls. I just leave them hanging without dealing with them. They will all get back to me eventually. I just know it. Retribution...
I was out with Amber today.. Caught a movie "Spanglish". Nice cast of artists. I simply love Adam Sandler! Nice soulful acting... Never fails to capture my emotion and stirred my feelings. I was all dressed up today.. Maybe trying to compensate for my lousy mood. We had high tea at NYDC. Nice cakes they have got there. Truely enjoyed myself... During the movies, He called me. Normally i dun pick up calls in theater.. But him, an exception. He Sounded distant... Like he wished he haven't call.. maybe he shouldn't. Told him i'm in the movie... I called again when i get home.. Realise why he hasn't want to meet up.. It's ironic cuz we quarrel for that very reason and now he is still doing that to me. Apparently the conversation has not sunk into his thick skull... SAd case... He hasn't even have time to meet for a break up.. Double ironic...
Anyway, this is my virgin entry. Nothing great.. just a complex girl penning her silly thoughts. The only person who will read this will most prob be amber, wendy and Yz... :) Well... Life just get worse each time doesn't it?
At that point, i was Overwhelmed by all that i was seeing and feel drowned by my own thoughts.. What was i looking for? Books by Dan Brown? (his Da vinCi cOde is amazing). Or maybe pick up some books off the best seller's rack? Or maybe some gossips of Hollywood mag? Or rather simply walking out the exit because i am lost. I literately feel like my surrounding was moving in fast-forward motion whereas i stood real still, rooted on the carpeted ground. At that point of time, i was seriously confuse.. Why am i feeling this way just cause of some silly books. There is no point in feeling the way i do just because i don't know what i want and where to go next. Then it daunt on me like a real smack in my face that it is an epitome of my life.
Lost in translation... Maybe it's more appropriate to describe me as 'Lost in transition". I am just confuse about everything. I know i think too much. But if that's what you are good at, why not? Right Amber? =) Is this a transition period for me? I get lost in my own thoughts all the time. If there is one thing that can kill me, it is this. They (my tots) are scary things. They make you doubt, feel insecure, be fearful... They are dangerous! Sometimes i wonder if they are even mine. I wish there is a term to call whatever that i am feeling. You know, there are times when i wish there is an explanation as to how i am feeling so i know actually i am not that insane afterall.... But i know i am. Or maybe everyone goes through that. They are just not honest enough to spell it out?
What provoke me to have a blog is because i think i need an outlet for my thoughts. I don't want them running marathon in my head. They will bug the joy out of me and won't let me go. So i guess i am letting them go.. For all to see what evil do-ers they are. Beware of them....
I'm just a twenties-something girl, in a course of studies she really thinks she has a passion for. With a caring family and a real pretty sis and some really nice friends. Amber being a soulmate, jinwen and xueli being my old secondary pals who are so busy with their work now, Wendy being the girlfriend sort of frds where u can't live without, YZ being the frd whom u know cares for u so much, and Alvin, always seeking happiness for me so that i can be happy. And so many more. I thank God everyday for them.. Like weiwen, Shelly, Zq (the EX), my sis, jojo and others....
Life with him... Just had a really big fight last nitez. I guess it's gonna be over soon... Been thinking of that thoughts since the day i say Yes to him.. Why am i still stuck here when i know leaving him is a much better choice? I am sad... well nothing new, i guess... Maybe i have got that nagging thoughts telling me that if i go, i will not find someone better. Or rather i will not find someone at all...Do u girls feel that too? or is it just me? Again. But with him, maybe most girls would wish they have no one at all. He is not a sucker. Well.. an asshole maybe.Love's a funny thing. They torture the hell outta you but can still make you beg and plead for more. Well, that's how i am like. Always looking for love and chasing after it with all i've got. But always Seems to get knocked down and make a bloody mess. Sad part is i don't pick up the mess. I just walk away.... Imagine the mess i have created thus far. Tsk tsk... Broken hearts and dreams. Tearful goodbyes and depressed souls. I just leave them hanging without dealing with them. They will all get back to me eventually. I just know it. Retribution...
I was out with Amber today.. Caught a movie "Spanglish". Nice cast of artists. I simply love Adam Sandler! Nice soulful acting... Never fails to capture my emotion and stirred my feelings. I was all dressed up today.. Maybe trying to compensate for my lousy mood. We had high tea at NYDC. Nice cakes they have got there. Truely enjoyed myself... During the movies, He called me. Normally i dun pick up calls in theater.. But him, an exception. He Sounded distant... Like he wished he haven't call.. maybe he shouldn't. Told him i'm in the movie... I called again when i get home.. Realise why he hasn't want to meet up.. It's ironic cuz we quarrel for that very reason and now he is still doing that to me. Apparently the conversation has not sunk into his thick skull... SAd case... He hasn't even have time to meet for a break up.. Double ironic...
Anyway, this is my virgin entry. Nothing great.. just a complex girl penning her silly thoughts. The only person who will read this will most prob be amber, wendy and Yz... :) Well... Life just get worse each time doesn't it?
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