Marian Keys, under the duvet

I guess it could be time to clear off some of the dust that was collecting on my blog for the past 2 weeks. Haven't had the luxury to write for this period because I have been swarmed by work and projects. Yesterday was the end of my 2 week assignment at the company and was rewarded by this fat check. It was fat to me anyway. Every effort was worth it. The complaints from agents, the long hours on the desk facing the computer and even the extremely cold air conditioning. The money thawed everything that was negative away. =) I'm so money-minded that I can't stand myself. *grinz*

You know just 2 weeks at raffles place, I have put on almost 2kg. I cant imagine what will happen to me after my 5 months internship starts in september. How much will i gained? *counting* Woah, go figure.

Once again, I am back to being a student when monday starts. I used to complaint to everyone that I hate being a student and can't wait for me to really start working full time. I guess I really have to eat all my words. Its not that I finally realise how sickening it is to work but it is the realisation that I won't have the luxury of the flexibilty of time. I can't be spontaneous on a weekday and hit the beach as and when I feel like it. I'll most probably be strucked on my work desk replying emails. Or i can't go shopping during the low peak hours and have the shop assistances' attention all to myself. Haha.. Narcissitic right?

During these 2 weeks, been doing a lot of readings. Read 3 books in total. My favourite being Marian Keys; Under the Duvet. It is a compilation of many short articles she have writen for her magazine publications. And all those stories have a little pieces of me resounding in her stories. She was inspired to be a journalist when she was younger and her stories inject all the little humourous details of her life. Like her pre-wedding disasterous spa encounter, her struggle with the bottle, her husband whom she lovingly address as 'Himself', her fetish for shoes and also her article on gardening.

To quote from her from "Too fast to Live, Too young to Garden", she mentioned something which I have always struggle with. It was a revelation to my life.

Extracts: "I got the shock of my life when I realised that the green stuff beyond the window (her garden) was my responsibility. And that it grew. (the plants) Yes, yes, I know its elementary. I knew in theory that grass got longer, that weeds appeared in flower-beds, that hedges got out of control if they weren't tended. I just never before thought that any of these facts applied to me.

To apply it to me, I knew that my rooms will get messier if the bed wasn't made or the stack of books were continually piled up beside my beds. But it just never occur to me that I was the one that need to pack it. Seriously, I am not trying to push away the responsibilty of housework. I really just didn't occur to me that all these applies to me.

Or I know that we all need money to go through our daily life. People work for a living and get paid at the end. I always thought that I can be excused from that. Like money will suddenly appear before me andI won't need to work so hard for that. My ex boyfriend, ZQ, knows about this and always reprimand me that life is not as easy and money won't drop from the sky. I think he really thinks that I am trying to get the easy way out. But what he really didn't know is that I really thought that this rule didn't apply to me. Sure, people work hard for money. But I always thought that that rule didn;t apply on me. I didn't have to. I swear I always thought it was easier for me or it doesn't apply to me. Hmmm.. how wrong I was and imagine the shock I got when I finally realise it.

You might think that it takes a 5 years old child to know all these. The money and the household chore thingy just to name a few. But I really didn't realise all these. Not trying to be funny. Probably I have always been living in my own world with my own set of rules? That's the best explanation I can find. Like a parallel universe that Alice was in when she was in Wonderland. My parallel universe consist of rules that are working to my benefits and are easy on me. Therefore I grew up blocking out most of the obvious things in life and living in my own world. And as I grew older, I am forced to understand that the world doesn't work this way and therefore, I am having a very hard time trying to accept all these 'rules' that I have been trying to ignore all my life. Its really hard to come out and see what the real world is like.

You might not even know what the hell I am blabbering about here but it makes perfect sense to me. I was worried it doesn't come out right because I didn't know how to articulate it into words but I think I finally understand what is the problem with me. I write more for my own understanding than for the readers.

It really scares me because I realise that what I have always thought was right was not anymore. Life was harder than that. Coming out of the closet was a hard thing for me to do. Because it is finally admiting that I am not the special one that will always get away with things. I need to work for what I want. Kinda sad right?

I have writen enough, know enough and realise enough to know that this is enough to stop before I write more, know more and realise more about myself. This is it for now.