darkness in the dark

overwhelmed by words cramming up my heads. they could form sentences to create a novel but they chose to do otherwise. random thoughts became irrational fears. sometimes i just want to get away from myself. go to some place where i'm separated by my thoughts. they ought to be one entity but somehow the lines are crossed. those times, those moments, those early hours before anyone start the day, they have already started theirs. they choose to haunt the weak, make them strengthless, crippled them.

all i ask is a quiet night all by my own.

until silent is all i hear.

until peace is all i felt.

until then...

Serenity Prayer

During our teenage years, we were frantically losing ourselves in the whirlpool of peer pressure, deceived by what love truly means and ignorant of what freedom really stands for. As a result, we become someone who are defined by the wrong yardstick, a measurement given by society, a collective “they” whom we don’t even know their name.

To say that we cease to become who we are is unwarranted because we didn’t know who define what we are.

1. Are we who we are because of an inborn characteristic?
2. Or because of what we create ourselves to be?
3. Or because of who we want to become?

If the second is true, is it sufficed to say that we become who we are by experience?

If the third is true, is it sufficed to say that becoming who we are is a process…

No doubt, I’m sure there are elements of truth in the 3 points.

Why are the differences between growing up and growing old?

Probably growing up is a process where we lose ourselves completely to find ourselves again while growing old is a process by which we learn to come to term with the person we have become.

Learning to accept ourselves may be the hardest thing we all need to learn.

God,

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

(The Serenity Prayer is generally thought to have been written by Reinhold Niebuhr)

Bangkok & Hua Hin

Destination: Bangkok & HuaHin
Date: October 2007
Travelers: Christine & MArk

This was the first trip we took together and the memories are etched deep into my mind. I was browsing through all the photographs and they inevitably brings me down memory lane. I'm grateful for these 'captured moments' for me. I decided to post them here to further remind myself that life is about moments and I did not want to forget these "Beautiful Moments" that was created. Enjoy my moments.

This was the first day at Bangkok. Having lunch at Platinium Mall. We took the opportunity to take this picture with the colorful building as the background. The picture turn out nice with the stark contrast between the interior and the bright sky!


Having coffee and pretzels. Goofing around with the camera. I like this picture because it reminds me that I can be silly around him and I'm not afraid that he sees me differently.

Day 2: Lunch at MBK foodcourt. Apparently, they have upgraded their food area and is like 'marche-style'. The food are surprisingly yummy!

We tried taking this picture many times in order to align the smiley face with our smiley faces. No luck. Haha.. Anyway, this was when we attempted to be adventurous and asked the cabby to drop us in an unfamiliar territory. We saw this cute building and start taking pictures.

Tucked in a corner was this cozy cafe. I was actually looking for this cafe chain online but could not find the location. Thank God for the spontaneous pit stop if not we will never be able to 'chance upon' this place. Cafe Greyhound.

A rare moment. MArk reading a book!

At the train station on our way to Hua Hin. Hua Hin is a small town in Bangkok and the train journey took about 4 hours. (i think) This trip to Hua Hin was totally unplanned but I had the best time there!!!

At Hua Hin Train Station. Finally (phew!)

We rented a bike and cruise round the city with it. Funny thing happen because little did we know that the bike does not supply us with petrol. We were riding around the main street and suddenly the bike just refuse to budge. Haha.. it was really a classic sight! We were in the main road of the city in front of the traffic light then. The thais are really very good-natured people. NO ONE sounded a horn at us! In the end, we had to push our bike to the nearest petrol kiosk which is aound 500m away. We were told it was the one and only petrol station in Hua Hin! Haha.. I'll never forget that incident.

Feasting like royalties at night at their seafood restaurant.

Next day at Hua Hin's beach.

Carefree. A precious moment.

U.G.L.Y but adorable moment!

If I have to choose a picture to represent the entire Bangkok trip, this would be it! This is my favourite picture. I look like I'm feeling contented. Indeed, I am.. Blessed. Need I say more?

A pseudo 'beach couple'. Haha.. I'm really exhausted on the way back. Was suppose to meet up with a friend (Yui) for dinner but the train broke down half way. Originally it will take about 4 hours but the journey back was about 8 hours. It was quite a scary experience because we seems to be the only foreigner on board and the train just stopped in the middle of nowhere! However, something miraculous happened to MArk. Its his story to tell. Not mine. ;)


Nominees of the Bao' face.
MArk a.k.a Bruce Lee

Parting shot at the airport.

A tribute to Mary

Fragility of Lives
give someone you love a hug. tell them you love them. let them know you appreciate the things they do. do it all the time. do it now.

The closest that I have ever come face to face with Death is seeing my grandfather breathing his last on his deathbed. That happened 2 years ago.

Just a couple of weeks ago, I witnessed the same thing, but this time it was a friend.

As I was waiting at the holding room in the hospital, I can’t help but reflect on the vulnerability and fragility of our lives. How easily we could slip from one end to the other.

On the contrary, I also see the strength of a person when she faces Death. The relentless pursuit to put up a good fight, not letting Death has its way easily.

How often we said goodbye to somebody without stopping to think that maybe it will be the last time we will ever see them again? How often we don’t stop to ask a friend how she is doing because there is “always next time?”

What if there is no next time? Or there is no tomorrow? What if NOW is all you have?

Would you have done differently?

of a dose of sanity, please

The mind plays trick. It really does.

It deceived you from the truth, blind you from seeing what you actually need to see. It leads you further from reality. So far away.

Sometimes it makes you sad, but tears you cried flow inward. Deep into the cortex of your soul. Nobody can see what's going on your mind. Neither could you. It's funny isn't it?

Sometimes it makes you afraid, but the fear your felt is groundless and you couldn't hold on to anything to support you. It's ridiculous isn't it?

Sometimes it pushes the people you love away, it didn't began like that but it eventually does.

Sometimes it makes laughter goes on strikes, killing the joy within you.

You get angry because this shouldn't be the way. You wanted to scream but only manage a slight whimper. You grew strenghless allowing it to overtake every part of you till you can no longer fight.

The darkness came overshadowing the lights.

Lost but found.

There is often a desire to close down this blog because I felt that I never have the time to blog anymore. Once, it was my passion to write down my thoughts and share them with people but now that passion has dwindled to a barely-there, lukewarm attempt.

Someone once told me not to find a job that coincide with my passion because it will be as good as killing that passion. "Why make your passion a chore?"

In my job as a marcomm, I have to devote at least 75% of my time producing communication materials, press releases, newsletter articles copy writing for ads. After so much writing during work, the last thing I want to do when I get home is to write some more.

But there is also another saying which says: "Find a job you love and you'll never have to work a day in your life".

So which is then the true mantra?

Will doing something you love everyday makes that a chore eventually?

I believe that it will.

However, it doesn't mean that it has to be.

I felt that I was a little despondent after working for awhile. Day in and day out the same thing. The initial enthusiasm encounter a life-threatening plunge and I believe that if I don't do something about it, it will lead to a catastrophic ending.

So I pray....

God really did came to intervene and did a heart surgery for me.

He let me see that He has already blessed me abundantly. Not many people can claim to do what they love but He has blessed me with that. My heart of discontentment change to a heart of thanks-giving. I saw my situation through the eyes of His and it makes sense to me that it has indeed been a blessing.

He has also blessed me with people whom always give me timely advises that reveals the very word of God to me.

Yes.... we will all grow tired at one point in time doing what we always do. But God always give a renewal of your heart if you asked Him to.

I was lost but now am found.

beautiful stranger

Beautiful Stranger - Chrissy


Brushed shoulders, blank expression, not a word exchanged
Standing in the masses, disoriented in thoughts, lost in transition
The mind takes on a life of its own, warring to self destruction

There got to be something for me somewhere

Out of the corner of my eyes, I caught a familiar sight
My eyes sweep across the aisle and fix on you.
A beautiful stranger

An overwhelming sense of deja vu

You stood there staring at me, I wonder why
Time stood still in anticipation when your vision align with mine

What is to come, each step closer send shockwaves through
Electrifying, sometimes painful, other times fearful
Your visage faltering like a mirage, unreal

Escape on my mind, realisation of disillusion plunges deep
The hope of the unknown hanging on...

Should I stay or should I go?

of discovering Grace

"Grace means there is nothing we can do to make God love us more and there is nothing we can do to make God love us less."


Grace comes so freely but yet people just can't accept that. Refuse to accept it even though it is staring us squarely in the face.


Coming from the mentality that "there is no free lunch in the world", we tend to question God's Grace the same way. Is it really given freely? No question asked?


In almost everything we do, there is often a hidden agenda, something that is of our vested interest. Grace on the other hand works on the opposite of the pendulum. It requires nothing from us, makes no demands and ask for nothing in return. The only thing I could think of is that it requires us to have the full assurance of the definition of Grace.


However our thick head just refuse to let that truth sink in. Is that so hard to comprehend? It might be incomprehensible at first, but just wait and see...

Eph2:4-5 (NIV) But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.

The alchemist

It was yet another sad parting when I bid farewell to the last page of ‘The Alchemist’ by Paulo Coelho. Reading his book is like talking to an old friend; a friend whom knows every of your deepest and most profound thoughts. Thoughts which nobody has excess to and it was imbedded deep into the recess of your soul. You will feel like you have the best conversation yet none of you spoke a word.

I have heard many positive comments regarding ‘The Alchemist’ but didn’t have the chance to read it. Yiling was the first person to recommend me his book with ‘Veronika decides to die’ as the first entry point. I couldn’t keep my hands off his books ever since.

Based on my own interpretation: (Spoilers)

The story speaks of a boy in search of his calling in life. To put it tangibly, he traveled all the way from Spain to Egypt looking treasures base on his recurring dreams and omens that he has. So off he went, selling all his possessions and embarks on the journey of his lifetime. Throughout his experience, he met many people whom became teachers to him, teaching him of the simple and yet unseen lessons of life and how to attain his personal callings.

Hypotheses of the lessons in life include:

Principle of favorability.

When we play the cards for the first time, we are almost sure to win. (some people call it beginner’s luck) It is because there is a force that wants you to realize your personal calling and will whet your appetite with a taste of success.

The destination of your goal is a mean to an end, not an end itself.

When we are too focused on achieving our goal, we forget the most important things; which is to learn the lessons along the way. To achieve your goal without learning anything is a futile process. You haven’t really attained your goal anyway.

Simplest lesson in life: When you possess great treasures within you and you tell people about it, they will seldom believe you.

I was reminded of Jesus. Jesus has the truth inside him that He knew that He is the Son of God that will redeem the sins of the world. He told his disciples about it but none of them really understood what he is talking about.

These are just some of the hypotheses that he has conjured about life. The book contains cauldron of such philosophies and is really interesting to read.

Anyway, the boy made his way to Egypt at his final destination. Unfortunately, he met a thieve that stole all his possessions and even tries to kill him. Not only has he lost all his belonging to get home, he didn’t find his treasures.

The irony twist came when the thieve told him that 2 years ago, he (the thieve) has a recurring dream to go to Spain to look for treasures under an old church but he wasn’t stupid enough to be like the boy to go just because of some stupid dreams.

The boy finally knew where his treasure was.

It was right where he has started his journey; In spain, besides an old church.

Fate has led him on a merry-go-round in search of the thing he was looking for but little does he knows that it was all along right under his nose.

I believe this is very applicable in real life. See, many times we are searching for happiness, love, money and what have you, but it was under our very eyes. We couldn’t see that we simply need contentment to enjoy those things. Until we went on a journey searching for them, going through difficult times, bruising our head and our heart did we find it where we have left off.

Do you think we could have found it if we weren’t led through the difficult period? Will we appreciate it just as much? What exactly do we find at the end of the journey is not really happiness, love or joy because we have them all along. But it is to be contented to know that they are there and to learn to appreciate them.

If the boy hasn’t gone all the way to Egypt, would he found what he is looking for? Even if he has found it, will he treasure it as much knowing that attaining that doesn’t come easy?



Give some thoughts to that.

Random and poignant feelings

The mind starts the idling process evident by the absence of entries. Inspirations dart around like transitory arrows, missing the target. Nothing was really registered, nothing was really recorded. It seems like it was everything yet it was nothing.

The moment before bedtime, thoughts mirrored the myriad of stars in the sky, but just like stars, they disappear when the day break. You tried to seize them but the motion felt like capturing wind with bare hands; you feel the wind’s caress but can never hold it.

It may be like trying to articulate a thought but the words refuse to come out right. You knew there is a perfect word to describe the exact feeling yet the word seems to go into hiding. Other words do not suffice but you have to make do with them, settling for second best.

Or perhaps trying to mask the real you by pretending everything is rosy and nice. You want to look big on the outside but you felt so small on the inside. Something is eating you up but you could not confront it. And slowly, you shrink smaller and smaller and cease to exist all together.

Sometimes you look on the left and the right, you wonder why everyone seems to be alright. You want to know when is the exact moment when your world starts to crumble. You apprehend they do not happen overnight. They creep up on you slowly but gradually when you least realize. You wonder if everything will eventually be alright.

You look into your lover’s eyes and see an imprecise vision of yourselves inside. Have he seen you in a different light. A gap was conceived between the perception and reality. Who is to build a bridge and reconcile the gap?


The sudden birth of random, poignant thoughts. It captivates the souls, yet unsettling it and heighten the ordinary of things.

Dedicated to the ‘just because’ moments of our life.

100K Campaign Drive Part 1

The word she whispered was pain.

Like a sensation that comes from the inside of her heart, radiating outwards. It slowly consumes her until what was left was something she could not grasp hold off. She finally realized what it means by “hanging on thin thread”. It could snap anytime.

She is falling into the abyss of darkness, straight into the devil’s lair. Above her was the world she came from. It smells of freshly-cut grasses and vanilla ice cream. She missed the warmth of the sun rays and the coolness of the sea breeze. The rustling sounds of trees invoked in her a sense of nostalgic. That’s where she belongs.

She has forgotten how laughter sound or felt like. Her tears accompanied her days and nights.

Is it too late now?


Then she remembered SOMEONE once told her this.

THERE IS A GOD THAT TAKES AWAY ALL PAINS. THERE IS NO SORROW ON EARTH THAT HEAVEN CANNOT HEAL.

She decided to take a chance. The only one she has left.

And the word she whispered was Jesus.

(Acts 2:21)
And everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.

She got saved by Jesus. Instead of falling into the bottomless pit, she is now falling in the abyss of the love of Jesus. It grows more and more each day. And how do I know?

Of course I do. After all we know ourselves best isn’t it?

Be that SOMEONE to speak of Jesus love today to others in need. Be a blessing to others.

Are you part of the 100K campaign?

Graduation

My life, unlike this blog, haven't been stagnant. Well, i can't really say that I've been on a roller coaster ride but I guess it has been an uphill journey. Life's been treating me kind. More than kind actually.

The new job is worth raving about. I guess it is really what I have been praying for. God is good to me. As always, He hears my prayer. Besides getting invitation to media events, the perks of having beauty samples, going for free spa treatments, working on magazine print advertorials, religiously surfing through beauty magazines during work, having a team of fun-loving colleagues, meeting with media personnel and working closely with them. What more can a girl ask for right?

I was actually referring to the free samples and spa treatment, I'm sure you know.

Of course there are the OTs and weekends reporting back for work. But in life, you win some and you lose some. Not everyone can have their cakes and eat in. All the time.

But I guess with God, we can. Have the cake, eat it and even top it off with ice creams and delicious looking toppings. That is how generous God is. This morning while doing my quiet time, something daunt on me.

Each new day, we were actually given a blank cheque to fill in. We can put in any amount that our hearts desire and God will credit into our account. Well, not literally of course. But something along that line. The start of each day started on a clean white slate. We could design, write, draw, paint or do whatever we like onto it. At the end of the day, stop and admire the piece of art you have created. God's love is new every morning.

Of course, with God as my banker, I shall lack nothing.

Oh, graduation ceremony was on monday. Here are some pictures from that day;

Chris & Mummy. Wish pupz was there.

Chris & Crystal. Tolls of projects & exams were all behind. Too bad couldn't take a 'family potrait' with Genesis

Cathay Pacific gang

My 2 'mummies'

Just an afterthought:

What is life after graduation?

My first full time job

Great news my friends...

I have found my first full time job! A real job which brings bread and butter back every month. Not forgeting many beauty products!!!! Nonetheless, there will be the added responsibility that I have never encountered in my student life. But I am so looking forward to it.

I held the position of marketing executive but I reckon that it is more of a Marcom Executive. Which is exactly what I love! I get to write press release to be published in women magazine!, liaise with the graphic designer and produce communication materials and prints, going to the sales floor and gather feedback, meet up with working partners to tie in events, set up atrium for direct sales! and may get to travel around attending events and seminar on behalf of the company. It sounds so challenging but I am sure I will have so much exposure and so much fun!

God is really so good. I told him that I am very picky about my first job, I want to do things that I love and not just take up any jobs that come along. Many people advised me that my first job will not be my dream job. They said that I will need time to find something which I will love. I guess it is their way of protecting me, cushioning me for the dissapointment that usually comes along with great expectation.

Even my own mother says that to me. Accussing me of being too idealistic, a dreamer in my own world. But I'm not affected by their words because I know I trust a faithful God. A God that will come and rescue me in the nick of time. Either too early or too late. I just need to trust Him. This is really God's appointed time. 11th April. A couple of days before my departure to Sydney, not too early and not too late. If it is any time earlier, the employer wont be able to wait for me or if it is any later, I wont be able to make it for the interview. At the nick of time.

The journey of my job search didnt come easy. I was led on a merry-go-round by my own desire. Upon several failures and dissapointment, I finally gave up my desire and choose to give in to God.

I was reminded by this verse by Shelley.

Psalm 37:4
Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart

I guess that I have always been too preoccupied with the latter part of the verse which states that "He will give me the desire of my heart" that I overlook the first and the most important pre-requiste of it. That is to "DELIGHT myself in the Lord".

I believe that my giving up of my dream of being a cabin crew is the starting point of delighting myself with the Lord. Of course God doesn't despise any type of (legal) jobs. It is just that He knew that I am not ready for a flying position. He knows of my yearning to break away and be set free. He knows that I am impressionable and will be lead and tempted beyond me and God undestands that. He is trying to protect me by closing all the doors.

I vivdly remember a day when I simply sit down on my bed and cry before the Lord, I told Him that I will give up everything that is not of Him. My dreams and my hopes, my fears and my doubts. I gave up all of it. I am also reminded by Crystal who very wisely told me that: "If you hold something so tightly in your hands, your hands doesnt have rooms to receive more blessing from God. You need to let go to be able to receive. That moment is the turning point.

Mark8:35
For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it

This verse came to pass for me.

I tried to wrestle with the Lord with my dreams but in the end I lose much, but as I learn to give up wrestling, He blessed me back multiple-folds.

Throughout these few months of searching, standing in many cross-roads, I finally can see God's hand upon me ALL the time. Even when He is silent, He is also waiting with me. He wants me to look on hindsight and be able to testified His faithfulness in my life. He never fails.

Right now, I feel so blissful, so excited about what is to come. A new chapter is going to unfold. I am confident that the Author of my Life will weave yet another wonderful chapter, a new phase that I will have to walk through. I thank God that many friends whom I love have walked with me even when I have given up. I know that they will continue to walk on with me .

I hope that this will encourage those who are searching for something in their lives to know that there is a God that is looking at every steps you are walking. He hopes that you will allow Him to walk with you. Give God a chance. Give yourself a chance to make a brand new start with God.

Countdown to Sydney: 5 days!

• Bags unpacked.
• Travel insurance unsettled.
• Itinerary unplanned.
• Research undone.
• Goodbyes unsaid.

Feeling: Jitters, tired, overworked, but can't hardly wait.

My best friend - Wendy

When is it that your friend becomes your best friend?

Can you remember the exact moment where the transition takes place? At that moment, you know that this particular person will be the one that you will laugh and cry with for the rest of your life. They have become an invisible shoulder that you can lend on even when they are not physically there?

Can you recall that defining moment?

I was transported back to that moment when I was talking to Wendy the other day on MSN. The conversation started simply as an invitation for her to go hiking with me to MacRitchie Reservoir’s HSBC Treetop trail this coming Friday. But then it became a time of reminiscing of how our friendship started.

Back in JC 1, I wasn’t close to Wendy even though we took the same subjects. In fact, I find her a bit of a social butterfly going from group to group. (This is something which she still hold grudges against me for calling her that) I find her ‘girl school style’ rather hard for me to accept since I was from a neighborhood school. But the turning point came when we both sigh up to go to the OBS Camp during the school holidays. At that time, none of the friends from my clique were there and she wasn’t really on talking terms with one of her good friend who went at the camp. So we were like both lost girl seeking solace in each other’s company. (Like we have a choice right?)

On the 3rd day, we were asked to canoe to the extreme end of the island and hike our way back to base camp. That doesn’t sound too hard right? But try imaging that you were canoeing for half the day under the scorching sun that burns your skin, stung by jellyfish along the way and being thrown into some weird places with just a map to navigate our way back. That’s not all. We were both carrying this SUPER heavy haversack that weighs more than ourselves with 2 jelly cans. I really believe that if it were heavier by 1 gram, I would have fallen backwards. That is the maximum threshold weight I can ever carry.

So both of us were grumpy (I was grumpier), tired and frustrated while trying to decipher the map. Even though both of us were geography students, we just couldn’t understand what those lines are trying to tell us as they are blurred into a big mass of irrelevant lines like children drawing right before our eyes. I was on the verge of crying due to the desperation.

But what really makes me so miserable is the darn heavy bag on my shoulders. I couldn’t even walk ten steps without stopping. Wendy was so patient with me and waited for me the whole time with the same amount of junk on her back. She then did the greatest thing anyone can do for me at that point. She picked up my gigantic haversack and slung it across her front and encourages me to move on.

At this point of time, I must really EMPHASIZE the weight of the haversack. It is really almost equivalent to the weight of carrying another person. So she had 1 haversack behind her and 1 in front of her. Try to picture that scene. I was just carrying both the water can. Haha. I am almost too ashamed to say that.

I don’t know if I am really naïve or being in denial. I actually believe her when she told me that she don’t find the bag heavy at all! There wasn’t even tell-tales sign from her face that shows that the bag was actually killing her. She kept assuring me that it is really not heavy. I thought that she was really speaking the truth and think that I must be really very weak. (But she is a black belt so it is not hard to believe her) Haha.. So I let her carry my load.

It was only the other day when we were talking that she confessed that the bags were really darn heavy. She was on the verge of a breakdown as well. Haha… She has waited 6 years to tell me that.

That was really the defining moment of our friendship.

I saw something in her that I never see in anyone else before. She always thinks of others before herself. That is what I love about her.

Well, I think the reasons why I want to blog about this is because I wanted to remind myself of the that moment I have 6 years ago, remind Wendy that she is still a great person, a great friend to me at this point of time, when she has doubts about who she is becoming.

But most importantly, I think that it is about giving people a second chance to prove themselves. We should not discount them base on our feelings of them as feelings are usually a distortion of reality. If I wasn’t given a chance to get to know Wendy through the camp, our friendship will not even be what it is today.

God is a God of 2nd chance and He never discounts us because of something we did wrongly. He simply look past that mistake and start a clean slate for each of us. That’s the beauty of my God. I thank God I have a 2nd chance with Wendy.

Give someone that chance today.


P.S: I hope Antz won’t read this entry. You know what I’m thinking right Wendy?

perfectionist streak

Question: What is the worst job for a perfectionist?

Answer: Typist (using typewriter)

Just the other day, someone asked me to help her prepare some document to be fed-ex out. She asked if i know why to use a typewriter and I was like (duh). So she gave me a blank template and asked me to type according to the default one. Knowing myself well (a pefectionist) and playing it safe (being cautious), I went to photocopy a few more copies (8 to be exact) of the blank template because I am sure there bound to be mistakes. Haha... I think I must have underestimate myself.

I took almost 50minutes to get the document ready. I could use 5 minutes to type it in Microsoft Word. And you know what, I used up 18 blank templates before I am satisfied with my work. I was mentally exhauted after that. Haha.. That was really hard work (for me).

I don't know why I am so fussy with the way I do things. I always believe that everyone should put in 110% of themselves in what they are doing. Maybe because I cannot tolerate people doing their work in a sloppy manner, I will not allow myself to committe such acts. And I guess because of that, I tend to push myself harder. It may be doing a big project or just typing a simple letter.

But anyway, I think that the lady notice how long I took to complete the letter and the amount of waste paper in my bin, she never asked me to type any letters for her anymore. Phew... Great relief. Haha...

So moral of the story...

Never ever ask a perfectionist to type any letters using a typewriter.

for wendy and amber

A poem for a dearest friend
Who is standing on the fence
Looking right and looking left
Plunging into her own death

Tossed about in the strongest wind
She has forgotten who she is
Drowning her sorrow with toxin
Someone please redeem her from this

long long ardous bus ride

I felt like I have embarked on a road to eternity when I stepped out of my office heading to church. In total, I have spent close to 2 hours commuting from Loyang to Marine Parade. I could have reached JB with that time! How thick can it get?

The rain has caused the traffic to be slow moving. The speed of my bus cease to a slow crawl. It made me developed motion sickness throughout the journey. My stomach was threating to regurgitate every bit of my lunch. Yikes! Its really sickening. This is definitely one bus ride that I don't enjoy.

Today was really challenging for me physically. My body kept screaming for me to go back home and sleep but I dragged my foot to choir rehearsal. Say in normal circumstance, I won't consume coffee but today is really abnormal. I had 2.

TGIF tomorrow.

Sunday going Natas Fair with Linda!!! Guess where are we going for holiday? Haha... I'm sure all those that know me don't even have to guess. The country that scream: "Where the Bloody hell are you"? or the more mellow/censored version of "So, Where are you"? The secret is out in the open! =)

Well... actually I don't really like to blog about the coming and goings of my daily life but then I guess the bus ride really eeks me so much that I have to pour it out. Haha... Wanna get it out of my system.

Sleep is creeping up my back, I guess its good night then..

Night world.

the kingdom of heaven

Troy, Arc of Joan, Kingdom of Heaven, Lord of the Ring and 300.

They are the genre of movies that I love. Ancient history/civilisation and ancient battle. The movies that speak of the glory days of the Roman and the Greek empire where they conquere the rest of the world..

They intrigues me beyond my understanding. Being the sort of girl who dislike watching gory film, I cannot understand what makes me love such films.

Definately not brad pitt in his non-existence waist clothes in Troy or Gerard Butler with his six packs in 300. Well not really anyway. haha..

But they have something that captivate me in that cinema seat. Something that makes me held my breathe. Something that makes my heart beat faster. (its really not brad pitt! believe me) I thought that maybe I'm a saddist that enjoy watching people slaughtering others, blood being spilled, heads detaching from their bodies.

But no, because speaking of all that really grossed me out already.

So I don't think I am a saddist.

Its something else.

Then it dawn on me...

Its about the men fighting for a cause that they believed in. Fighting for their freedom, to protect their love ones, and for the land that they call home. And thus creating history with their stories.

But there is always this leader, this one man. The bravery of this one man that lead his people into battleground. The man that instill courage and strength into his people. This man that urge others to never retreat or surrender. The one that roars the loudest so that other could find their strength to do the same. The one that stands in the frontier of the battleline.

And I saw this one man in someone I know.

The one that says: "If i perish, I perish".

And i know why I love those movies. Because something inside me that is so primeval yearn to be in a battle with him. A battle not of flesh and blood.

Without a battle, there will not be Victory!

And I know I was born for Victory!

back at one

Its really funny when u think that you have walked away from your heartache and disappointment only to find yourselves confronting the very same thing once again. You dont know whether to laugh or to cry. Literally. You tell yourself you have let that go and ready to put it aside only to find yourself back at the original starting point. Back at square one.

You wonder if this is yet another test you have to pass or is this the real thing this time? What if it is something that God has put in front of me once again and take it away once again? I never know. But i am still going to find out.

I am back at where I was. Will thing turn out differently this time? How many times do I have to go through it before I finally pass the test that He set for me?

Have mercy on me, I cried.